" I've pitched my tent in the land of Hope."

Such boys

2011-10-16T21:34:00.000-07:00

Such boys.

They are young, and young, and young, and young.

Because I think you're cool, and I like hanging out with you.

Cool.

If you knew me, how silly.
I sometimes tend to pretend to lend myself a hand as a joke, and say that cool is the best compliment you can give me.

Way to tell me.
Cool.

If only you knew the weight of your actions, because sometimes I tend to pretend to lend myself a hand, as you become a joke.

Speckled Little Egg

2011-10-06T21:32:00.000-07:00

It's weird when you take yourself out of a situation, and then a huge part of you is dying to get back inside of where you came from.

Only for a few moments though, to have a casual conversation with that person you just never could figure out how to work your mind and lips with sounds and interest. He or she walks away and then your mind becomes functional with obvious sounds of interest, and your eyes can't seem to look anywhere else but to their pair of hands, you wished you were holding.
I used to wonder about those certain people, and then I looked away and came to real life. Where people aren't so weird, and life is much different.

Since moving to Oklahoma City, and out of Norman, and moving out of Community and into Solitude for the last month, I've had more alone time this month than in the last 22 years of my life, maybe.

A part of me feels nostalgic for the future, and for the past. I've got my ticket and I'm going to go home, that's the song I'll hum, eventually, and sing today.

I'm feeling the emotion I think i will have even more of when I move out of Oklahoma. To places with Three letters for winter, or Two letters for the beach.

I'll want to go home, and I want to go home tonight.

I feel that now.
I live in Oklahoma City, which I've told a hundred people that's where I'm from.
But where I grew up doesn't really mean that I am from there, because honestly, I didn't really grow up in one place. It was more like four. Mustang, Piedmont, Yukon, and the City.

The best parts of me are from Norman though.. A place that brewed me, steeped me, grew me, and speckled me.
It's been a speckled year, with likes and loves, with strange and uneasy, with desire and anger.

But,
with satisfaction and wonder, and curiosity for more.

Evening

2011-02-06T17:10:00.000-08:00

When did it happen? I can never function when the sun goes down. So now that it's mid winter, all I can really do when it gets dark is watch movies, tv, or maybe crochet if I'm feeling really lucky. I just can't seem to function at night. What's the deal? What's my deaaaalllllll???? I dunno.

I've got to start working on a portfolio.
Portraits, landscapes, figure drawings.. Not really my cup of tea, but it's all about to start happening. Day's will start to get longer soon. Thank GOD because I can't do anything in this cave house.

I've got the shakes today.

2011-01-27T09:27:00.000-08:00

Why do i feel so shaky?
I just ate.
I ate, I ate.
I feel so so shaky now.
Coffee, cereal, a bowl of soup.
I still feel so shaky.

I feel so angry. I feel so CRAZY.
Why?
WTF?
For real.

Work. Work and Work and work all day.
Sit and Sit and Sit and dread.
WASTE WASTE WASTE
so much time.

Why can't you help me out?
Come on, please.
Let me not have a job for once.
Just for this one time,
make it easy on me, please?

No way, JOSE.
No way Alexandre.
You can only eat and feel like shit.

Work makes me money, makes me hungry, and makes me shaky.

January.

2011-01-24T07:59:00.000-08:00

I never would have know it was going to be so hard. Detoxing and all. I've decided to work on myself. In a way I've never done before. It's all new and junk. It's going to be good in the long run, I think. Sometimes I wonder if it's actually worth it. I think it is. Either way, I'm detoxing.

Yesterday at Huddle we talked about something GREAT. I really hope that it all works out the way I want it to. Evangelism is such a scary word to hear, for most people. However, it doesn't scare me at all. My heart breaks for those who are lost. The people in norman, in Oklahoma, in the States, in this country, in other countries. People need Jesus. Keep breaking our hearts so we can go to them. Deal?

From Seeds to Trees.

2011-01-17T19:05:00.002-08:00

How is it that now I'm realizing everything?

Everything to be realized, I've done it. I know I have.

That's not really true...

But I have realized that it's been almost three and a half years since I was in August 24, 2007.

I can't get this place out my my brains.

Even though I've been everywhere.

Z-Town

M-Town.

B-Town.

S-Town.

E-Town.

S-Town.

M-Town.

and

S-Town.

It's time to go to

A- town now.

A town is going to be like this:

Filled with music. To be filled with Music. To be filled with Jesus. With the Lord.

To work. ARt work. CREATE. Become more like the King. The CREATOR. To be like the creator, and create as often as possible. To be inspired. To watch documentaries. To Read. To listen. To be in class for the first time in over two years. To dream more dreams in Sufjan. In beautiful color. To lay in the grass. To swing into the sky with Jesus. To be alone. To be with just me. To love the things that have been created here. To grow up. To be more capable. to have opportunity. To travel. To love friends more. Want, Want I want.

So it seems..

This is a semester of growth and knowledge.

The seeds are planted. Now they need harvested and nurtured. Loved and watered.

May they not be neglected or forgotten.

May their roots grow deep and grow up tall into a marvelous Tree.

...

2010-12-05T20:01:00.001-08:00

Well, I guess I made some kind of break through today.

I only know it was in the form of words.

Simple words with held for three and a half months.

It was ok.

Anyway, I'm feeling sleepy tonight. Waiting to to watch some more Grey's Anatomy.. I know.. It's the only tv show I've been able to start from the beginning, so I'm into it until the end i guess.

I had the day off today. It was kind of nice. A little funny though. I was bored, I'm NEVER bored. I never have enough time to be bored. So it never happens. On my day of boredom i went to the Mall, which is another thing i never do. I even drove 30 minutes to Penn Square Mall. I looked mostly, but did a little buying as well. For my brothers and a roommate, i got some nice gifts I suppose. I've never been to the mall alone like I was today. There are some creepy dudes that work at Journeys, ladies. Watch yourselves. But enjoy yourselves as well.

I'm writing tonight because I've nothing better to do, I guess. I miss my best friend. She's all married now. Busy with work, school, and a husband to tend to. I had hoped she would spend some time with me today. She was busy. It's alright. I went anyway, and enjoyed myself very much actually. Hope you're well Bestie. I luff ya.

Jungly-Desert

2010-11-29T16:52:00.000-08:00

Well, there's been a lot going on, for a while now. A lot of nothing, but a lot of something too.

It's finally getting cold outside. I'm really happy about that, as long as i have enough clothes on. I love Winter time the most, as long as i have a coat for my shoulders and a scarf for my neck.

Although it's Winter, I'm starting to feel like Summer. Dry, parched, and mostly thirsty. It feels like i hear the same things every week. I continue to re-learn everything i learned two years ago. I was filled with new-ness. I was excited to be growing in new friendship. The most blessing I've ever received. Today i can only remember those thoughts and feelings. Yes, I am still visited by the blessings. Yes, I still know those people, but somehow life turns and we lose our acquaintance.

However, I've decided to learn from this Summer. This desert-like land. It's almost a desert. It's more of a desert surrounded by flourishing plant life, that's fenced in. Fenced in with the most beautiful picket fence anyone ever saw. I can smell the flowers and the fruit. I can reach over the fence, pluck a leaf off of the most beautiful tree that's ever grown, and produce it's shape in the sand I'm standing in.

Almost..

I'm not quite tall enough, aaaaaachoo! I'm allergic to the tree, and I can't seem to get the lines right in the sand. And my feet are burning.

I think I know everything there is to know about this jungle. Of course, I've only studied it from just outside the fence, and maybe just on the outskirts of in, but I've mostly found myself in this deserty land. Kind of here, but constantly curious about the greenery growing. I'm hoping to discover something new, but I can't seem to go farther into the trees. I'm scared? No. I'm bored? Maybe a little. Um, I'm distracted? Absolutely.

I know more about the jungle than i do about the sand, so maybe it's time to do some exploring. Learn all i can about the sand, my burning feet, and all about distraction.

2010-11-14T20:44:00.000-08:00

Man, I really love Johnna Avis, Tyler Dunn, and Justin Willis.

I want the whole world to know it!

With Powa Powa

2010-10-04T21:51:00.000-07:00

IHOP,
I'm going to visit you in 12 days.
I wonder what you'll be like.

Will you melt me?
Please, will you melt me?
Like mush.

I want to.
I feel you and i mush.

What a Year

2010-09-29T02:27:00.000-07:00

What a year it's been really.

A year of so much.

Parents Divorcing.

Heart Hurting.

Snow Loving.

Friend Making.

School Finishing.

Heart Hurting.

Job Getting.

Tree Climbing.

Heart Hurting.

Boyfriend Getting.

Birthdays Turning.

Heart Wandering.

Heart Learning.

Heart Jumping.

Heart Waiting.

Heart Hurting.

Heart Hating.

Heart Hurting.

Heart Forgiving.

Heart Forgetting.

Life Changing.

For Life.

Woa.

2010-06-27T14:10:00.000-07:00

It's been forever since a new post.

Almost 7 months to be exact. That's more than half the year.

Big and exciting news to come.

gifts.

2009-12-15T22:58:00.000-08:00

Isn't it so strange to think of all the people you know. Or the people you used to know, the people you used to know well.

LEt's go back to 3rd grade. 2002-03
TIffany Hughes and I were the bestest friends ever up until about the 5th or 6th grade. WE played dress up and had tea parties together daily. I loved playing with her better than anyone else. But after 5th grade she was going to South middle school, and i was going to North, so our friendship basically ended at that point.

Then about 6th grade, 2003-04 i was best friends with Allie Phillips. She was so funny i used to think. She was the girl who took me to Falls Creek for the first time the summer before 8th grade. Allie Stuck around for most of middle school but i was more interested in my new cheerleader friends.

7th and 8th grade 2004-05
I was a cheerleader, so I then became better friends with Kayla Markham, and then became friends with her friend Patty Baker. I was closer with Kayla, which was obvious to us, but as middle school girls, Patty didn't LOVE that Kayla and I were better friends than Kayla and Patty. This caused issues.. obviously. But i still loved to "hang out" (It's not "play" at this point, we were WAY to old for that,) with Kayla better than anyone else. She used to take me with her strange family to the lake. I rode my first tube with her on Lake Texoma. What a thrill. And she taught me how to dirty dance, which still cracks me up to this day. So Kayla was for sure awesome. Again, my best friend was going to be transferring to another school in another town the next year for high school, so then, back to Allie i went.
Several years ago, about 8th grade i was closest friends with Allie Phillips, Grant Moran, Christian Maloney ( who after maybe 3 or 4 days of knowing became my first kiss.. HA) Evan Kenedy, Shane Johnson, Megan and Caty Vaughn, and Malcom Myers. These were the first group of people I connected with to some extent on a spiritual level. They were my youth group firends form Canadia Valley Baptist Church. I LOVED them. They were fantastic. Especially Allie, Evan, and Grant. ( my deepest regards and memories go to Grant Moran who passed away October 31, 2008.) I was very close to these 3 inparticluar people for a while. The summer before my freshman year, i met Alexa Bailey. Allie, Alexa, and Alex. The 3 of us were good friends for a while, but once again it was obvious that Alexa and I were better friends than Allie and I.. which again caused WAY more drama than any of us wanted. The summer before my sophomore year of High school I left Canadian Valley BC and sadly, ended my friendship with Alexis Faline Sue Phillips (Allie) for the last time. Our friendship that had lasted since 5th grade in MAC choir had to end. I was filled with sadness at losing her friendship, but i had been hurt too often and too deeply by her friendship. A few weeks later I started going with Alexa to FBC Piedmont.

1st half of 10th grade. 2005-06
Became Great friends with Alexa, Matt Richardson, Jake Anson, Justin, Jared, and Jimmie Pucket, Jill and Julie Burden, Tara Case, Reza Koranki, Dan Minton, and several other people from the church. I loved it.

2nd half of 10th grade.
Broke up with my boyfriend Matt. Started what would become one of my best friendships with Tyler Dunn, Josh Debord, Tessa, Nicole, Justin Hixon, Justin Willis, and seth. I went with Seth to prom and it was great. For the first time in a long time it seems i finally had friends from Mustang. It was wonderful. The best year of High School maybe.

Summer before 11th grade.2006-07
Went to Panama with Awestar. Became friends with Skylar, Tyler, Katie, Brent, and Aubrie.
THese people were with me as i began to REAlly grow into a deeper relationship with JEsus.

11th grade
Started going to Trinity Baptist Church, down the street from where i lived.
SO great.
The First time i had ever had friends who were in the same grade as me. So, still friends with Alexa, and Tyler Kauk, Philip, Zach Selby, Heidi, Lauren, Kyle, Justin, Alex, Zach Felts, Lantz, Rikki, Tim, and others i can't remember. IT was so wonderful being a part of a group of friends again, but to really fit in well and to have a lot of people like me. Not just one or two. This group of people taught me that i LOVE music and reminded me of my creative side that, soccer for the last 10 years had blocked out. Eventually, I started dating Zach Selby and Alexa and i drifted from there. She had a BF and so did I.. After Zach and I started dating all friendships were basically lost. Especially with my closest two, Alexa and Tyler Kauk. I of course didn't realize at the time, but everyone goes through those kind of relationships it seems..

Summer before Senior year.
WE all go to Trinity's summer camp, Camp Life ( where i was to meet some of my future best friends.) IT was fun, but interesting seeing as the BF and i had sort of broken up, yet were still trying to make it work. Then 4 of us go to Peru, where the true colors of my "closest" friends show up during the 5 weeks we are in country. The trip was pretty traumatic for me. After a few weeks into senior year, Zach and i break up officially.

Senior year.2007-08
Some how, the Lord has erased much of this year form my memory. I can't remeber anything really except my Art class the first semester. You see, I was depressed. I had lost my boyfriend, and all my friends. There was no one left. Just me. And my canvas.
I painted my first canvas ever at this point and it's something very very special to me to this day.
I had become friends with Adam though. He was the lead singer in ZAch's band, so there was still some connection to that group of people that i was trying to get over.
Sometime around March, i started becoming friends with an old friend Josh Debord, someone from sophomore year. He helped me to get better and was my best and friend at the time. I really trusted him, but then it turned out he had romantic feelings for me and then, about June we stopped being friends.

Summer 2008
Old friends from Canadian Valley BC called me up to come with them to Falls Creek to hang out basically. I went, and the one person i met there helped to change my life. Blake. Who then introduced me to who are now my current friends and family. Kate, Evan, Alex, John, Brett, Johnna, Katie, Laura, Bri, Emily, Carter, Charlsey, Will, Logan, Wes, Wes, SEth, Madison, Amanda, Chris, Jason, Will, Daniel, Tyler, Tyler, Tyler, Tyler, Tyler, Nathan, Jill, Stephen, Robert, Marissa, Ryane, RAchel, Dalton, JAy, Jamie, Beth, Ken, Aaron, Laurel, Liz, John, John, Toni, Whitney, Emily, Matt, Asa, Phyneus, Samara, Eilo, Taylor, Marybeth, Ashley, and so so so so many more.

December15, 2009

It's so beautiful to me.
All the names. The names of all the people who love me. Who have cared about me. Who care about me now. Who my best friend Kate is without question. The first best friend I've ever had a spiritual connection with. She really is the best there is.

Looking back to almost ten years of friends.. It's interesting to see who is still around. How i still know all of those people, yet today, i choose to be with my friends in Norman. To be a part of Norman. Despite my driving 2 hours a days for the last 7 months to and from the City, and my mom thinking it foolish. In 14 days will mark my one year of living in this special city. Back in August marked my one year of friendship with Kate and the other norm.commers. but in two more weeks marks a year of living here!

What a gift.
Friends.
The best gift the Lord has given me other than salvation.
Merry Christmas aL.
Look who you get to spend the winter with.

....ma and pa.

2009-11-12T21:56:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure how to write about something such as this, or if it's something to be mentioned on a blog at all.
My parents have been divorced for about a month now.
I think?
The weird thing is how " nonchalant" the whole thing is. Haven't had the sit down conversation with my father. It's as if he is embarrassed to talk about it, yet he's still doing it.

Mom on the other hand seems to be doing alright, but after 30 years of marriage, ending in the last 10 miserably, how can anyone be ok?

SHOCKING.
CUTTING.
PIERCING.
HURTING.
CRYING.
LOSING.

It could be that way.

BUT,

the Lord has promised me SO much goodness. The Lord has captivated my soul and spirit. HE has possessed me and my future family.

i WILL have a good future family.
i WILL be a good mother.
i WILL enjoy my children.
I WILL love my family WELL.

The enemy tries to tell me that i don't know what it means to have a good family. To know what a good mother and father really looks like.
He is wrong.

I have my family.
My spiritual family.
The Ones who really love me.
The Ones who really know me.
The Ones who are taking such good care of me.

With out my family I would believe the lies from the enemy, but seeing as the LORD had shown me a good family, how can I not have that for my future. He has promised me good things in family.

A Real family.
Full of love and joy.

Almost to November

2009-10-23T19:52:00.000-07:00

IT's been since the end of July since I've posted. That's because when i write, it's usually because i feel like something major has happened. And in the words of Charlotte Charles, " It takes a lot for people to put pen to paper." And in this case, it's fingers to keys.

July-ish
I had the SF/09 with a certain boy from Norm comm.
Curious? ME too.

August
moved into a new place with 3 new roomies. It's been fantastic and continues to get better and better all the time.

September
Started dating/noncommittal relationship with an old-ish friend.

October
ended the "noncommittal-like" relationship.

Parents are getting a divorce?
Woa.
I'll begin to believe it more when it really starts happening...
but it's worth mentioning.

peace.pieces?

This week marks

2009-07-29T17:24:00.000-07:00

One Year.

Approximately one year ago this week I met a group of people that have changed my life forever. I met a wonderful boy who brought me to this wonderful town I currently reside in. Just two weeks ago I got to thank him for introducing me to something called community, and a little town called Norman, Oklahoma.

This week marks a year of:
Friendship
Prophecy
Healing
Growth
Discernment
Family
Peace
Protection
Intercession
Beauty
Community
Dreams

It's been a year since hearing and learning about this and that, but it's been a wonderful wonderful process.

July-September '08:
Went to Falls Creek and met the person who took me to norman. Spent time with him and met his friends.

September-November '08:
Grew in deep friendship and became an active member of Norman Community Church.
Became healed of a parasitic something-or-another from Peru... which was a prophetic word give to me in Februaury '07.
Decided to NOT go to Uganda, Africa for 2 months in the upcoming summer.

December '08:
Had an itense dream that led me to peace, understanding, and love for my family.
Moved to Norman and left Bethany/SNU.

January- April'09:
Cintinued to grow in friendship with people from campus cluster.

MAY 8, 2009:
Turned 20 and had the best b-day i could ask for.

June '09:
Moved away from my sister and niece and in with Kate, Bri, Carter, and Emily.
God decided I would be friends with some awesome people and gave me a HUGE burden for them. He also gave me their emotions.. ( Refer to my last 2 posts.)

July '09:
Started going to a new house church, International Cluster.
Continued to grow in learning how to manage the hopelessness of others, and how to bring hope to the hopeless. Determined this was the reason I had stayed home this summer and didn't go to Uganda for the summer.

July 29, 2009:
Will continue to celebrate the community I have become apart of this week one year ago.

So thanks to all of you wonderful people I now care for deeply and love very much.

Thank you.

aL

and because of my last post, i now feel this way:

2009-06-23T13:43:00.000-07:00

So here is what else has been going on inside.

Some time since April, the Lord has released some cool stuff to me. I started spending some time with this guy whose heart and mind, and pretty much everything is differnet than anyone else i know. Then he brings his friend along. Then there is another girl who i feel like is coming into the picture. Anyway... their hearts are far from the Lord. I can feel the way they are feeling. I am capable of knowing how much sorrow they feel, and why they are feeling it. I can feel the pain they are feeling, the desperation. I can feel these thigns not because i spend hours and hours of time with them in coversation, but because the Lord is filling me and allowing me feel these thigns. The negative feelings that the enemy has put on them for so long. I am begining to feel the way a lost person feels, but not on behalf of myself, but on behalf of them.

Some time last month, I had this dream.. This is what happened from what i can recall:

I'm wading through this flood of water that is up to me neck. I'm inside this massive building that has been destroyed, and is falling to pieces everywhere. I'm trying really hard to wade though this water but there are people under the water holding on to my ankles. They can breath, but there were holding on to my legs so I would have to pull them through. I am so frustrated by this. I'm kicking at them to let go and trying to shake them off of me but they are still holding on. I finally get to the door of the building and i can get out. We are totally out of the water. So then they all just stand up and walk away. they don't say anything like, "Hey, thanks for pulling me through, or good job, thanks" Nothing, they jsut get up and walk away like nohting had ever happened. I'm PISSED at this. I am like are you serious, i just pulled you through this water and i get nothing.. Thanks.. Really.

and that was the end.

So last night i kind of got more of an interpretation of this.

My friends who are in a different stage of life than me have been on my heart and mind constantly. I love them and desire to see the Lord work in their life. To see them rescued from drugs and alcohol, sex and everythign that comes with it. I pray and feel broken for them often, i feel like i am being dragged by my ankles wih nothing in return. I have had no energy to do anything other than what my scheduled life brings. I was feeling broken and held back for whatever reason. Then, last night Kate and i recalled this dream of me feeling like i was pulling someone else's weight.

Now i can find joy from pulling their weight. I don't expect anything in return from them, but pray for them to feel joy and love, peace, patience, hope.. everything that is the opposite of what they are feeling. When i feel sorrow out of no where, i know i am to pray for the one who feels sorrow, and pain, whatever it is. It's a realy weird thing being able to feel someone else's emotion, but it's pretty cool too. The Lord is teaching me in my alone time with him more and more.The Lord is trusting me with his children, giving me secrets into their hearts. The Lord is releasing a spirit of prophecy over me, i cannot be more grateful.

Thanks yo.

Here it is, finally.

2009-06-23T13:09:00.000-07:00

Alright, Alright. It's taken me forver to get some time to actually put into words the shifting that has begun to occur.

To start off, i haven't had any coke or Dr.Pepper today, which i usually start my day out with one of those, so shift #1, that i hope will shift back to normal by tomorrow...

Really now.

Since April, I have felt the Lord calling me to be alone with him.

Alex, just sit with me. Stop spending all of your time with your friends, who I know you love, but just hang out with me. Let ME tell you you are great, let ME tell you you are cool. I know you LOVE spending time with your friends, and that you love them all so very much.. But please... come be alone with me.

So May comes around I am looking forward to going to Saturday Night in Edmond, ( Bible Study thing with awesome worship, every last saturday of the month) pretty much all month. So it finally becomes SAturday and I go. Nothing crazy or amazing seems to happen, but i continue to feel the Lord drawing me into intmacy with him. I want to be alone with you alex, He keeps whispering to me.

I had been hearing that for a while but i just have a hard time sacrifcing my social time. The thing is, i am a very busy girl. I work 30 hours a week, and go to hair school for 20 hours a week. I have 2 evenings off a week from school. Monday and Friday. Then i have cluster sunday, and hair school until 5 on saturdays. There isn't one day of the week that i don't have something planned that is a part of my weekly schedule... As you can see... the two evenings a week that i feel like are the free-est ones i have is the time that i want to hang out ith my friends, watch movies, go swimming, whatever..

But i have felt like the Lord has drawn me into a time of just being alone. It is hard, because this is the first time in my life where i have actualy had a group of friends who i feel really care about me, who desire to be close to me, and my feelings actually be the same.

Sacraficing the 2 days a week that I have for fun time isn't exactly what i WANT to do... but he wants me to. I have found in the last few times I would go and hang out with the big groups of people, i would enjoy it of course, but would just feel so drained in the middle of conversations.. I would just want to be home and be alone, away from loads of people. Partys are just too much for me to handle at this point. I used to THRIVE off of lots of people around, but now i just want to be alone, or with one or two people instead of 10 people or something. And it's not that i had lost interest in the people i choose to spend time with, it's just i don't want to spend time with a lot of people all at the same time.... ( sorry for the rambling.)

So the first weekend in June approached and i went to celebration. I had been feeling before every time I was around people i didn't want to be there half way through, but I also couldn't stop myself from wanting to go at all... SO i would go, kind of not want to be there, then leave... I still wanted to go even though i knew i wouldn't really want to be there. anyway.......

Celebration:

I go up and a couple friends pry for me. I finally feel the Lord releasing himself on me in spending alone time with him. I finally, after 2 months of feeling weird, i actually WANT to spend alone time with the Lord. Like an intense desire that is still growing. I am learning how to be alone with the Lord. Teach me how to be alone with you. alone. ALONE!

To Be Alone With You.

Starting in June, i moved into a new house with my best friend and 3 other roommates I have really enjoyed it. I love living here and it makes getting around norman much easier. It also has a since of freedom here. I feel like where i am living, i don't have to go out and try to find something to do, it just comes here. People come over and i can choose to be a part of the converstaion or i can go to my room and spend time with the Lord. I finally am able to paint and use my birthday presents (NEW ART SUPPLIES!!!!) and spend alone time with Jesus.

I used oil paint for the first time last week and it was great. I find spending time creating, painting,and working with several different mediums inspiring. The Lord is grwoing me more and more in love with colors. I love colors. They are such a gift.

Generally The Lord has brought me into a time of just He and I. I love it, it is great, and i only miss people on occasion..

Three weeks & 4 days ago,

2009-05-28T23:44:00.000-07:00

I wrote about my upcoming future, which is currently my present.

The Lord has been drawing me into alone time with him. All the time. As in just me and Him. No one else. Alone. I'm quite the extrovert, so this is quite a challenge.

More to come later.

Here we go

2009-05-04T22:49:00.000-07:00

Work: Cafe Plaid employee..

School: Anthony David Hair Academy

Other School: Oklahoma City Community College for the Fall Semester

Living Situation update: Kate Thompson, Emily Thompson, and Carter Faisen for Summer.

Fall Living update: Katie, Chuck, and Johnna.

My heart is wanting to be poured out into the things i am about to lose my life to. Much of my day is spent at plaid, but is now much of my time will be spent in OKC, at hair school. I currently have 587 hours of 1500 total to complete my schooling. Classes are from 4:30 to 8:30 P.M., every Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday; and Saturdays 9 A.M. to 4 P.M.

Tomorrow i continue my education in Hair Design. I love doing hair a lot! My hands desire and long to touch and fix the hair of people. Of strangers, of lovers, of friends, of those who seek His face. My heart desires to lead those who are weak and unsatisfied into a place of comfort. I love to tell people they are beautiful, and the Lord has given me the ability to help people feel and look beautiful. I praise the Lord daily for putting in my spirit the desire to help people feel beautiful. As my hands touch those who are lost and hurting, the broken and the wounded, i pray for anointing hands, that as i wash their hair in the sink, it will be an anointing oil of Joy and gladness over them. As the old is washed away physically, the new comes. That the spirits that overwhelm them will have to go in Jesus' Name. And then, Love and hope, joy, all things that are good from the Lord will captivate them and posses their hearts. They can't help but feel His spirit as i began to cut and color, dry and curl.

Lord posses the heart's of your lovers. Take them captive and draw them close to you as I spend time with them in a tiny, silly salon.

Fill me with the spirit of love for that place. Love for the people who work there. Love for the old smelly cat lovers who come in for perms. You love them, and therefore i must as well.

Come, holy spirit. Sweep me away like a sweep away hair on the floor.

A few months have passed

2009-04-27T00:59:00.000-07:00

Man, I can't believe it has been almost a month since i have posted. It seems that a lot has happened in my life over the past couple months. The Lord has been teaching and growing me in so many different ways. I have gained so much.

I started a new job at Cafe Plaid. The famous hangout of Norm. Commers. by far. A place that the Lord has single handedly chosen to be special, to be full of light rather than darkness, and full of lovers, rather than those who are hurting and in pain. The employees are also full of the spirit and willing to love.

At some point i realized i was hurting, a little before Spring Break.

A certain person in my life pointed out to me that it was obvious. I went through 3 days of prayer and realized that this person was right and i had to do something. I had to do something to lift my spirit. I was struggling and didn't even realize it. I had numbed myself to feeling pain by those i loved the most. I sacrificed many things that i didn't even realize. After talking with the Lord and getting REALLY nervous, I had the opportunity to speak out what was hurting me to the person that was hurting me. I was TERRIFIED. The Lord came through for me. I knew that in having a suck conversation SO much good would come out of it. And it did. Since then, the hurting has stopped and the love of my friend and i has just grown and grown. I love my friend very much.

Another thing I'm thinking about: a tattoo...

woa.

My MOM will KILLLLL me.

but..

There is a little piece of me that is some what serious about getting one.

Isaiah 44 has been my favorite chapter of the Bible since 2006. I really like it. Since i discovered it a few years ago the first few verses stuck out to me very much. It speaks of things of belonging to the Lord. And the word "Jeshurun" is written. Which means chosen one. For some time now, I have been striving to give ALL of my heart to the Lord. ALL of me. ALL of me. I desire to be "rid of myself" and belong to the Lord fully. It's silly cause that's the theme of a friend of mine's life and it feels a little stolen, but It's good i guess. Anyway, the Lord has been speaking so sweetly to me. So beautifully and perfectly. I do belong to the Lord. I am his and he is mine. So, through all of this i want something to show for the way i feel about the Lord.

I also have a thing for trees, and I have said for years now that if I ever really did get a tattoo, it would be of a tree. SO, picture this:

The LORD'S

written in the leaves of a tree.

The tree being full of colored leaves and blossoms, very beautiful and swirly..

On my left calf. Kind of big, but not huge. It's all still pretty up in the air, but in my mind as well.

What cha think???

ROOMIeS.

Can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Katie Gordon

Charlsey Brock

and

Johna Avis

for the fall baby. It's official.

Last night :

Went to Ginny's last night. Was BEAUTIFUL. Tanderai spoke last night and really hit me. It's been a long time since i have really connected with something i have heard in a "sermon." Tanderai spoke of living in your spirit.

Praying in the spirit.

Walking in the spirit.

and Learning how to separate your spirit from your flesh.

I love thinking of this. It is a separate thing. functioning in the Spirit is consistent. Functioning in the flesh is inconsistent. I waver and wander when I'm trying to make things work but when I am in the Spirit, I just know what feels right, and what is real. What is a REAL feeling.

The tricky part is learning where your spirit comes in and where you mind comes in. I want to learn how to operate in the spirit at all times. How to separate my mind from my spirit. I want to be able to pray in the spirit at all times and crave spiritual milk. It's happening for me, I just have to keep practicing.

Let's see, about 2 or 3 months ago maybe?

This dude names Shane gave me some prophetic words that were SO great. I have an entire page of things that he said to me that were CRAZY on. Just to say one thing that was on was this. " colors are going to begin to speak to you. Art and colors will become more vivid and stand out to you in different ways.." Which has been happening to me within the last 3 weeks more than ever in my life. It is beautiful. I am living in such a new way lately. In my past i LOVED to journal. I have probably 30 journals all filled from cover to cover. I have always loved and enjoyed expressing my feelings to the Lord in writing to him, but now i cannot get enough time to make art. I desire to paint more than I ever have and i want to create and make things for the Lord. To the Lord in worship. I just like to chill with Jesus as i paint. I can think of him and speak to him. It's nice, and fun too...

So, that's a bit of a recap of things lately. I love you all very much who take time and read this. You take the time to get to know me a bit more. Love. I love you so much.

Goodnight.

And you will be filled with Joy.

2009-04-05T23:16:00.000-07:00

Woa.
So tonight was Celebration. Yes.
There are a few different activities that happen through Norman Community Church and I have to say that Celebration is my very favorite of all the gatherings we have. Tonight I got to worship the Lord with my voice as I have done millions of times. I love singing to Lord and spending time with him that way. It's is my favoritre way of spending time with Jesus. I get all silly and dance a little bit, It's kid of ridiculous, but me and the Lord like it. For the first time ever tonight, the Lord released laughter upon me. The Joy of the Lord. A precious gift.

I stopped singing for a second. I looked around the room at all the people who were worshipping the Lord and spending time in his presence. IT was so beautiful. The Lord was capturing the hearts of his beloved children. His lovers. His treasures. I looked away and began to sing more. Then my friend Kate pulled me aside and said, I just looked over at everyone singing and and worshipping, It's so amazing. Look at how beautiful Liz looks. I then just started cracking up. I couldn't keep my mouth from laughing and my heart from celebrating. She said look at the JOY of the LORD all over you. I was like oh my gosh, YES! IT was beautiful. I felt so ridiculous. I was singing and getting excited about what the Lord was doing, and how he was letting me feel. The Lord stole my heart for like the next 15 min. My heart was racing and my lips were singing. Funny words and off pitch, bad. I tried to cotinue singing but i had to stop. My wouth wasn't producing words, but laughter seconds later. The joy of the LORD had come. He let me see the way He sees Joy. How He feels Joy. Laughter. The product of Joy.

What a precious gift.

Joy.

COLORADO!

2009-03-23T20:12:00.000-07:00

I'm going to meet you tomorrow for the first time ever.

I can't wait.

I pray that the mountains will sing and the flowers will be blooming for your glory.
HOw beautiful on the mountais are the feet of those who bring good news.

see you soon.

Whispers

2009-02-22T21:26:00.000-08:00

The enemy loves to speak lies into the minds of God's lovers.
This continual lie from the enemy no longer worries me. I was born on May 8, 1989 almost 20 years ago.

I have this fear of being young.

My closest friends are between two and three years older than me. Since I was fourteen I began making friends who were at least one to two years older than me. One of my closest friends was a 19 when I was a 16 in high school. Since I was in middle school the Lord has given me friends that have been older than me. It never worried me before when I was still in high school, but it's like since I started going to Norman Community Church, with mainly people who are between two and three years or more older than me, the enemy has been whispering lies to me.
Telling me that I'm inadequate, I'm not "good" enough. You're so young, how can you possibly know anything about how he or she is feeling. You're stupid. You don't know anything that can help anyone older than you. You just can't. Your'e just not good enough, or capable or enough.

Lies.
Lies.
Lies.
Lies.

I have known since August that the enemy has been whispering these things to me, that these things are lies. I prayed about these things some, but they still have lingered for months. This past month has been the worst of the 6 months I have been a part of this community. It's so annoying all the time. I have just always had a hard time being so you compared to most of my friends.

The Lord tells me:
I am adequate.
I am good enough.
I am wonderful.
I can help people.

Tonight we did Treasure Hunts as a cluster.
It was great.
So great.
I was asked about 2 weeks ago if i would lead a Treasure Hunt for our cluster. Treasure Hunts are when we ask the Lord for clues about the people who are on His heart. We write down our clues/ hints about different things and we then go out and find them, and tell people about how God feels about them. It's pretty cool, but can be terrifying at the same time. Ha.
Just two weeks ago I went on my first Treasure Hunt with Stephen Pyle at His Tribe down at the City Rescue Mission. It was nice. I was a little nervous, but it turned out just fine. Before doing that, I didn't think I had ever been on a Treasure Hunt before, and then I realized I had done it several times on previous mission trips, minus English, and the before prayer... which makes things a lot easier...

Tonight I got to lead three little ladies on a Treasure Hunt.

Brittany (something)
Becky Rice
Laurel Jaqua
And ME!

Little ladies is an understatement.
The Women I lead tonight were perfect.

So here it is:
You see the last two women on the list are the wives of some of the leaders at Norm. Comm.
The first one listed is the same age as me.

I was leading two women who are on a much higher status than myself who I find to be very respecable, wonderful women. So GREAT!
The other girl was the same age as me, showing the same boldness I am eager to find at this age among older women and men. Which is so hard sometimes, and scary.

It was nuts because the girl my age was like,
"No way, You're a freshman too?"
" Heck ya, welcome to the club."
" Oh my gosh, that's crazy. I had no idea."
Basically she was like, dude, no way. Weird.
And what was also nuts, was how funny it was that Laurel was really nervous about talking to people. It was funny. I asked her if she wanted to talk to the girl we were walking up to.
" NO way! I need your help!"
Lol. It was funny, I was like ok ok, don't worry. Then she said,
" You're so funny."
"Why?"
" You're just so bold. "
" HA haha , whatever, It's not a big deal. It's cool."
The wife of the super evangelical Mr. Aaron Jaqua has never been on a treasure hunt and is telling me I'm bold.
SHIT!

This is great!! How awesome. Maybe I am actually kind of adequate.
I also got to spend time with Becky and Brittany too. It was just really great to be around women who love the Lord and didn't care about how old I was. I am leading these women who are married to these wonderful men of God and they are trusting me, this young, freshman, 19 year old girl to do this. Woa.
The Lord really does have favor in me. He is trusting me, despite how old I am.

Alex, don't worry about how young you are. The enemy will no longer speak lies to you and tell you that you are inadequate. If you can lead the wives of the leaders in your cluster, you can also lead others. You can lead your friends. It doesn't matter that you are younger than them. Don't worry Alexandra, because it actually is ME leading them. I am just using you al. Those people are mine. Don't worry any longer alex. It's ok. You're the perfect age. You look just like I did when I was 19 years old. You are created in my image. Don't worry any longer. It's ok. I have given you a physical affirmation. You are good enough. I got you girl.

So,
Lord, I thank you for these things. Lord for answering my prayers and giving me the hope that i have so longed for. You are so precious. Thank you so much for the hope I have that comes from you. You are unending and ever flowing. Full of love that you desire to give out so much. Thank you Jesus for such a wonderful day. You bring peace to Norman and my heart. Psalm 122:6.
amen.

You are important to me you know.

2009-02-17T23:17:00.000-08:00

There are many people in my life that I care deeply for. Lately, there have been a select few that are growing, teaching, caring and loving on me in a great measure. They deserve to be recognized.

Tyler Dunn.
Kate Thompson.
Alex Winters.

Laura Winterschiet.
Madison Kerner.
Brett Colclasure.
Zach Felts.

Dayna.
Scott.
Erin.
Hannah.

Thanks for all of your love and support. I love you all very much.

CHARLSEY.
I'm putting you on this list too, even though I have only been around you a few times. You ARE dear to me and I love you very much.
You get your own stanza.

Transition/ Reckless Love

2009-02-09T00:36:00.000-08:00

Main Entry:: ¹tran·si·tion
Pronunciation:: \tran(t)-ˈsi-shən, tran-ˈzi-, chiefly British tran(t)-ˈsi-zhən\

1 a: passage from one state, stage, subject, or place to another : change b: a movement, development, or evolution from one form, stage, or style to another
2 a: a musical modulation b: a musical passage leading from one section of a piece to another
3: an abrupt change in energy state or level (as of an atomic nucleus or a molecule) usually accompanied by loss or gain of a single quantum of energy

An actual transition is supposed to flow and blend. It's supposed to help support and make things sound better as they are changing. A Transition makes the change flow easily.
I feel like def. 3 suits me currently.

My plans are ruined.
What i planned for this semester is NOT what is happening, at all.
It hurts.
I wanted it so badly.
Why?
How much longer do i have to wait.
I want to trust that you are providing for me the things i need to succeed.
The things i want to succeed at.
What are you doing?
What can i do?
How can i hear You?
What Pictures are you wanting to show me?
Give me the prophetic dance Jesus.
My heart is broken for you.
I know you want me to succeed.
What do you have for me?
And how can i find it quickly?
How can i find it even slow?

I love you. That's all i know. The Love that is stored in me is ALL i have right now. I want to love recklessly. I want to live recklessly.
I want to give my heart away to you without caution. That is how i feel often. I want a dog i can love with all of my heart, because i know I don't have to be cautious, it can't talk back to me. He can't hurt me, so i can do what i want with him.

What?

Alex, LOVE ME.
Love me.
Love me.
Love me.

You can love me recklessly Alexandra. My dearest daughter. My bride, my daughter, my princess. You can love me without caution and I even will talk back to you. You don't have to worry about being afraid of getting hurt, because I I I I LOVE you recklessly.
Girl, don't even worry about that. Love me with all that you have.
It will come out of you soon Alexandra.
I love you. Love me like I love you.

Love, Continued

2009-02-01T22:57:00.000-08:00

Oh,

I can't get off this kick on Love.
The Love of the Lord is so strong.
He is engulfing me.
Emerging me into the depths of His love.
The way he speaks to me using words of endearment and charm.
He melts me with his words.

Song of Solomon 4: 9-10
" You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride. You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes...Your love delights me, my treasure, my bride. Your love is better than wine, your perfume more fragrant than spices. "

The Love of the Lord is strong and passionate.
He is consumed of fiery love that He wants to distribute.
I want to be consumed in love with the Lord.
I want his love to be expressive and flowing from my mouth.

" flowing as milk and honey."

Love

2009-01-13T20:04:00.000-08:00

Love.
Love.
Love.

Love.

i want to write a song about love. Being in love with the Lord. He tells me i am beautiful and i want to tell Him He is beautiful. The stars are screaming at me to look at them, He says gaze into my sky, I made those because they represent who I am. I am beautiful, the blue in the sky, the light of the stars, they are a picture of me. The bridges you walk across, the hills you play on, those look like me too. I painted a picture of myself that you love. You loved it so much, that you realized it when i told you that I was talking to when you were playing in the parks, when you rolled down the big hill, when you walked over my bridges. I love you Alex. I know how much you love flowers. Those are me too. I really love it when you smell flowers. That is what I smell like. I smell like fresh flowers and inscense, oil, any good thing you have ever smelled. I made that. I know how much you love my smell, that is how much I love you. I love you. I think you're great. I think you're beautiful. I know how much you like it when i tell you you are nice, but i know that you love it when I tell you how much I love you, when I tell you how beautiful you are. I know you love me, but I love you more than you can even imagine. I think you're even better than anyone has ever imagined feeling about you.

I know that you want motherly love, but I am that too. I love being your provider. I love taking care of you when you cry. For healing your body when you are sick. Holding you when you want to crash and fall. I love guiding you and giving you direction.

I want to be your pops too. I made a precious daughter that I want to protect. I want to interrogate every boy you bring home. I want the best for my little girl. I want to tell you you are my favorite daughter. I want to give you away at your wedding day to the man I prepared for you perfectly. I can't wait to tell you how beautiful you really are when you will be wearing the perfect white dress i chose just for you. You look ravishing.

I know you want your freinds to love you, Alex. I want to be your companion. I want to tell you that I think you're cool. I like your hair. Your outfit looks cute. I want to tell you secrets that no one else knows. I want to call you my bestie. I want to tell you you are the best friend I have ever had.I love everythig about you. We just click, you and I, we are like a hand and a glove. Alex, you're my bestie and I love you.

Alex, i know your desires. I put them in you. I know what you want and how much you want it, Becuase that is how much i want them for you. I know you want the love of a husband, but I am that too. I am the most handsome man you will ever come across. You think you have met someone great, you don't even know. I am preparing you someone perfect, and he loves me just as much as you love me. I love him just as much as I love you. I can't wait to reveal my plans for you. I am your plans right now. Today. I am your knight in shining armor. I am going to recue you from danger and sweep you off your feet. I want to carry you around like a child, effortless and passionate. I love you, you are so beautiful, that is what i will tell you when i lift you up so easily and gaze into your eyes. You are lovely, i make precious things, just for myself. I delight in you Alex, I made you perfectly for Me.

The love of the Lord is strong and passionate. There is all types of love and the Lord displays them all to me. Jesus is my lover, he is my passionate lover who romances me. He tells me stories when I gaze into the skies and look at the stars, when i walk across a bridge, and when i sit peacfully in a park. He loves me as my father and mother, as my friend and lover. Jesus, you are the ultimate lover. You gave yourself to me because of how much you love me. Your love surpasses all my understanding.. I cannot fathom how you feel about me. I know i have human emotions that are fiery and thrilling, but You. The creator of love and passion, let me gain the knowledge and understanding of how deep your love goes. Teach me your ways oh Lord, Let me be lovely for you. Let me feel the way i know you feel about me. i know You love me, let me believe it. Keep speaking to me about how you feel, for i love to hear from you. You are beautiful Jesus, thank you for your heart.

Dayna Alexandra Ford.

Two-00-and-eight

2009-01-01T22:12:00.000-08:00

This year has been quite incredible. I think it is safe to say that this has been a year of blessing. Serious gifts from the Lord. About a year and 6 months ago the Lord tore my life apart.

Trinity Baptist Church
Two weeks after coming home from my first long-term-ish mission trip to Panama for 5 weeks, i started going to Trinity. I was so excited to come home and tell people all about my trip and encourage them to come with me the next summer. I became great friends with many many new people. I gained a new best friend and a boyfriend 5 months later. Life was great. I had influenced these new people to come with me to Peru the upcoming summer for yet anohter month. Things were looking so great until my boyfriend and i started to have a few problems. Two weeks before going to Peru, we decided we had to break up for the trip. We weren't allowed to be "together" on the trip, so we "broke up." The next week he went to falls creek for a week. I still came up and visited like we had planned. The week after that we went to Camp Life where things still remained "seperated" but i still hung out with him all week and went home with him at the end of the week. It was strange because he told me at camp that he loved me. Then he told me that he liked me so much it was causing him to sin, so we couldn't be together.

Peru.
We leave for Peru the day after camp, my two "best friends" and my boyfriend. The whole time i was in Peru i was lusting over my boyfriend. I missed him and al i wanted was to be with him, to be close to him. It was like the entire time i was there, i wanted him more than i ever had. It was there that he called me beautiful for the first time, and he even gave me a secret kiss. TOTALLY AGAINST THE RULES. It was great, but i had convinced myself that it was fine, nothing wrong with breaking the rules. I was pissed the entire summer that we couldn't be together. I had a really hard time dealing with leadership and caused more problems instead of helping with them. I cost myself losing any chance of ever being on leadership with the mission organization which is something i desire more than most things in my life. Peru was the hardest thing i had been through i had thought for so long until about 4 months ago. We get home from Peru finally and its obvious that my boyfriend and i get back together immediately. Less than a month later we break up, again. Same reasons as before, but it was a little more crucial this time and it was ended for good.

Crippled.
My boyfriend and i try to be friends for about two months, i got to the point where i decided i couldn't handle it any longer. All my so called friends before him were gone. My best friend that went with me to Peru told me he didn't like me for any reason particularlly, but just hated me for a time, without knowing why. I decided to leave the church the day that one of my old best friends died. Grant Moran, i miss you so much. I went to my old best friend's house for the last time in over a year for comfort and got nothing. I decided it was time for me to make myself better. I had nothing left in me for anything in Yukon, Oklahoma. I hated it. I hated everything. I quit going to church after my ex had invited me and his new girler over at the same time accidently.. i stopped going to Trinity. I quit the creative team. I quit the church band. I quit the folk band.I quit the soccer team i was on. I starved myself of everything i had known since going to Trinity. It tore me aoart, i could no longer take part in it. I kept feeling like my senior year was the worst year of my life, yet it was where i did the most growing i think. It was horrible. I even asked my date to the Prom. i just wanted to go cause i had so much fun the previous years before, it was a part of life.. The only good thing i can remeber about high school was the new passion for art i was developing. Art is the only class i can really remeber from my Senior year. The Lord has allowed me to forget the most pain i have ever felt, losing my best friends i had ever had, along with someone i thought i loved. I am very thankful that i can't really remember anything from my senior year, but i am thankful for this new year.

Falls Creek.
Ha. What a place. My first kiss was in the old tabernacle with someone who is currently one of my best friends, who is getting married tomorrow, Congratulations Christian Maloney.(side note, sorry.)
Well some old friends called me up and invited me to go to Falls Creek with them. These were my first youth group friends. My first group of older friends that would start the rest of my life being the baby of the group for years to come. I went to camp as a leader the first week of June. Probably the best thing i could have done. It was really wonderful. Going my last year as a student, but i could still be a leader. While i was there, it was really a time of healing from the Lord. He had been crippling me for a time, but at this point, the healing had started. The brokeness had started to wilt. While i was there, i went behind or cabin and listen to a song from DAvid Crower Band that gave what my soul had needed. I needed to cry out to the Lord that He would save me. And He did. From that point i was on a rather equal slide, rather than a downwards fall i had been trudging through. I sang to the Lord with all that i had and he listened. He told me i was beautiful and that He loved me.
About two months later i go to Falls Creek again with the same group of friends, but just to play around with the band for a week. IT was fun, but i was not expecting what did happen while i was there. I met an incredible young man. As he put it before, we met and were immediately attracted to eachother. His long curly hair really threw me off. We became great friends and helped me learn more about myself than i had in the past year. I am very thankful for our relationship as it came to its close. As he Also said before, it was good, and still is good, i miss him. After seperating i became a member of Norman Community Church, which he introduced to me.

Life.
After breaking up, i met the most incredible woman i have ever had the privlege to call my friend. Kate. She has helped me through many things in the short time that i have known her, 4 months. I also became friends with a mighty young man Brett. The Lord is speaking to him more than anyone i feel like i know. I can see Jesus in him and it is beautiful. I desire to get to know him more and learn more from him. He is a prophet, and it's cool. Ya, prophets are real. Since being at Norm. Comm. The Lord has revealed much to me. Revealed that he wants to speak to me through prophecy, through visions, and dreams. He wants me to trust him that these new people in my life are my best friends and i can trust them. They love me the way i have desired for so long to be loved. He is telling me that i am his beautiful bride. That HE is my FIRST LOVER. nothing more. Date me Alex, i think you're cute. He is telling me about how much he loves me and wants to romance me and make me feel beautiful. The Lord is treating me with gold and silver. A huge thing that Jesus is healing me from is my Family. I love them, and they also love me. It is a different feeling the way i feel for all of my family. I love my Dad more than i ever have in my while life. That's how He feels about me, i can love God as my Father and know the way that feels. I thank the Lord for who i met this summer to help lead me closer to You. You're great. i love you.

Norman.
Well now we come to today.
January 1, 2009.
Welcome in the new year with thanksgiving and praise. Thanks for letting me make it through another year Jesus.
I moved to Norman 10 days ago and I don't really have any expectation for what is to come in this new season He has already been blessing me with. I pray for more growth with the Lord and that i will receive more and more of His Holy Spirit. I want to make my time spent in Norman, OKlahoma a great part of my life. It is a beautiful place, full of trees and bridges.

I can't wait for another walk over the bridge.

dayna aLexandra ford.

messy piles of today.

2008-12-18T23:08:00.000-08:00

Well, things are in the midst of change. My life as i knew before is changing. Tonight i am staying the night at my parents in their house. I stayed here last Friday night with my sister and it was the strangest night i ave had in years, yet the Lord open up a part of me that has been closed for the last 3 years.

My family.
It terrifies me saying that i have shut off my family from my life in the last few years, but it is true. I always wanted my parents to love me the way i desired, yet told myself it would never happen. The enemy lead me to believe that there was no hope for my family. It's useless hoping for something like that, you know your family sucks. What do you expect?
Sunday night i spent a few hours praying with my friend Brett and Kate. They are my spiritual family, the closest to me anyway. I told them both about the dream i had at my mom's house and we then discussed it and prayed for a while. It was intense. Lot's of crying on my part. I tend to do that when things get serious with the Lord. Talking with Kate and Brett was really helpful. I was opened up to my feeling that i had pushed away and buried so far into the ground that i didn't even realize they were there. We searched and pulled thigns up i had forgotten about. IT was intense, that's all i can say.

So Tonight, im at Ma and Pa's again.
It was incredibly hard for me to willingly spend an evening at the place that honestly terrifies me. I never thought twice about being there until last weekend. As is 6 days ago. BUT, this week i spent some time preparing myself to spend time with my mom and be able to BE here and Be ok. It really sucked because my car died today. I moved form the Dorms to my Parents and i loaded up my car and then it didn't even start this afternoon. SHeesh. UGHHH!! Talk about annoying. So i came to the house frustrated and already in a bad mood when i got there.. So as you can guess, there was a few tears shed, but I made it through. I'm still here blogging.. how lame.

LAzy.

SO today was a fine day. Everythign was "OKAY"
I'm in this horrible place where i don't have the energy or motavation to read my Bible. I want to. I want to read and i want to Journal, but i just haven't been doing it. I don't even understand what is going on. I want to draw closer to the Lord and feel his intamacy. I dreamed about how it felt to be intimate with the Lord last night. It was incredible. I was with my sister and we could feel it together. IT was amazing. SO i know the Lord is drawing near to me, but not in journaling or reading. Those are things that i have been doing consistently since the 6th grade. Seriously. I read the entire Bible by 15 or so. It's a part of my life. I completed an entire journal my first month of being in college. I love looking at all the journals i have. They are beautiful. I write. I read. It's how i draw near to the Lord. But not right now.
IT's so weird. I am hearing from the Lord in such new ways it's like the old ways aren't even attractive to me. I Love reading the Bible, i want to feast in it, yet it just sits there. the Lord is teaching me to hear from him, to listen for him. To allow him into my dreams, into my relaionship with my Mom. He is teaching me, i am learning, yet it's not the normal everyday learning. So i guess that makes me abnormal. What doesthat even mean.. hah. Who cares, all i know is that Jesus is speaking to me in a new way than ever before. Just as He would speak to me through his word and discovering things by Journaling, now it is through learning about the prophetic. What is that even?
It's funny being friends with prophetic people cause they just shoot off on you sometimes and it's so true, but its hilarious that it's true. The Lord allows me to think things like that are filled with Joy. The Lord loves us laughing with him and telling him funny stories, walking with him, smelling his flowers, walking over His bridges, He loves us giving those moments to him just as much as He loves the heavy crying, the crippledness of having things ripped away by God. There is JOY from the Lord. It's ok to be excited. It is ok to TAKE the blessings that He is giving us. He doens't give us blessing for us to just look at them. YEs be thankful and be content with just LOOKING, but He wants to GIVE you a gift, you had better take it.

Right now i feel like PEOPLE are telling me that i am gifted with Prophecy, but it terrifies me. HM, that is not right, That is from Satan. GOD speaking to me, how is that terrifying? GOd is love, and joy, and peace, and kindness.. How can i be afriad of those things? Jesus, do not let me afraid of the thigns i can see in my dreams. Protect me from the enemy, do not allow me to see thigns from the enemy. I love YOU JESUS. YOu are before all things and you hold them together. HOld me together Jesus, let me trust that you know what you are doing. Let me trust you. Let me get into your word and read more about the Prophets, more about YOU. Who you really are, what you look like, what i can make myself look like, modeled after you. Jesus, ths prayer is so messy. It's freaking all over the place. Not on track, i never am.

Dayna Alexandra Ford = messy.

Jesus, i love you. Keep speaking to me, I do not want to be afraid going to sleep at night. I have confidence in you, kepp me safe, i know you will. I pray that, guard me, protect me, i have authority in my bones. You are here with me, IN me, Satan has NO power over me, over US. Thank you Jesus for being here with me. I love you Jesus. amen.

Desire.

2008-12-17T01:28:00.000-08:00

I try to satisfy myself by reading and searching all i can. It never works, i always want more and more. This desire i have, is found only when my desire for what is of this world, is turned into a desire for the Lord. I will never be satified by what the world offers me. Only what the Lord offers me.

Celebration.

2008-12-10T00:16:00.000-08:00

Wow. This past Sunday night we had Celebration. It was a nothing kind of day, i wasnt expecting anything huge or gigantic to happen there other than see a few friends i don't normally get to see. D-group was rather nice. I spent some time in Winan's before hand reading through the frist 7 chapters of Luke. Thats a lot for one sitting. So we are then off to celebration.

Celebration is a time where all of the Clusters of Norman Community Church meet together to have a nice, big worship service where we celebrate what hte Lord is doing and have a time of teaching. This month, Ken spoke about receiving the Holt Spirit. That was interesting because iknow that many people were wanting a teaching from the Lord and it was delivered. At the end of his sermon, Ken asked, "well if anyone wants to receive more of the Holy Spirit in their lives, you can coem down for prayer and receive." Imediately almost the entire church was down at the front worshipping and praying for eachother. There was a woman whose body became weak nd crippled by the Lord. She could not stop crying for the Joy of the Lord. I heard words spoken over people and began to pray and asked the Lord if i should maybe pray for some other people. Eventually i begin praying for my friend Emily. I then led her to Kate, her sister. A bit later i decide to go and also pray over Kate and Emily. It was really neat because just as i was walking over there, there was a man speaking to KAte. Telling her many true things about her. THings about her ministry and heart for small groups, her heart for pastoring and intercession. IT was incredible. After that i had the opportunity to pray over her and her sister and i just really felt good about it. The things from the Lord that came through me abut hteir sisterhood and the thigns that i felt for Kate were jsut really encouraging. THe Lord really came and spoke wonderfully to us. IT was beautiful.

A little after we were done feasting with the Lord. Kate and i got to meet Zack. The random guy who showed up from His Tribe (branch off bridgeway in edmond) and spoke the beautiful prohetic words taht Kate was longing to hear. SO we meet and then just like a little bit later He starts speaking to me. He says, " Hey, this might be a little bit weird, but whatever, i'll tell you anway... WEll i feel like you are gifted in the prophetic and that the Lord wants to speak to you through your dreams, and visions and things. And i feel like you are gifted in encouraging othes and lifting people up. All of these thigns after hearing you pray. As i look at you now, your eyes even are lighter. You look as if you are glowing a little bit." I can;t remeber exactly what he said, but it was incredible. I can;t believe it. It was so great gettign to her those words from him. It is kind of a blur now all that he said to me, but it was amazing. i have beem prayng that the Lord would be speaking to ME, i was praying about AFrica that i wuld know whether or not ot go and instead He has opened me up to listening for myself yes, but now for others. It is kinf of strange, but its awesome. And looking t my last post, (Brett the Prophet) you can see that thisis just more affermation of the Lord speaking through others to me about hearing from Him. I want to hear more fomr the Lord and i want to spend more time sekaing His face and begining to know what the things are that he wants me to be interested in. My prophetic numbers or pennies is seeing the shape of the continent of Africa. Thanks to Brett again, and of COURSE Jesus... ha. But hte Lord is doing so much in my life it is incredible. Thanks Jesus. YOu are pretty cool. Thank you for your words and the things that you have shown me now and al that you plan on showing me later.

brett the prophet.

2008-12-04T22:23:00.000-08:00

What a great day.

I made Kate's journal today. The majority of it.

I worked on my project that isn't due til wed. really... which is nice.

I am tired now.

I loved not going to Hair School or any of my classes today.

I had a time of rest and creatin with the Lord.

It was really fun.

I miss my friends in Norman.

I can't wait to move there with my sister.

Those are my basic thoughts for today. Last night was a really great time though. I got to spend a littel time with my friend Brett. He is such nice guy, i met him jsut this semester about August or so. Met him in Tulsa, Ok, then eneded up being friends with him in NOrman, OK. Imagine that. (:

WEll, we got to talk just for a few min. last night about how he feels that i am a prophetic person. Dude, that blows my mind. I love that fact that he said that because he is a very prophetic person from what i hear around town, and from what he has spoken over me. So being told i am prophetic from a prophet is really encouraging and cool. I am hoping to hear from the Lord and get more of Him for other people. I know Jesus speaks to me personally, but i don't know for other people. I mean i talk to people often about their problems, but hmm. I know there can be more, and i want to be able to offer that to people when i can. I ask for more of the Lord, that He might speak to me truth in my life, but also truth in other people's lives. THat the Lord through me might bring them peace that they cannot find.

alex is shell fishes.

2008-12-03T17:24:00.000-08:00

So, i am sitting in PLaid, sitting. That is about it right now. I don't want to do my lame BIB. LIT homework because it is lame. OBVIOUSLY. not really, it's not that bad, but i wish i could get into it. THese next few weeks of schoola re going ot be killer i can already tell. I went through this after fall break... not wanting to do anythign but i have a bang load of crap to do all the time. I jsut ignore it. All i really want is some alone time. Just some time to play and draw a bit.

ON the other hand, The Lord is great. He has been blessing me with immense security. HE is telling me, " Alex. I know your desires. You don't have to keep telling me about them. I know what's up with your heart and you you are feeling. Stop talking to me about it ok. Shut UP!"

Ok, ok God. I am goign to try and do my best at shutting up. YOu see, i am such a talker. Ask anyone, i can talk my life away, to anyone at that. I prefer a good listening ear, but also a responsive tongue.

School is amost out for the semester and it is so teasing me. It's hilarious. About the middle of hte semester i decided that i would be moving to NOrman, OKlahoma for the first time ever. IT is so weird, because now is the time where i am feeling like i am finally moving out. I already moved out of my parents house, yet i still run into my mom randomly across campus. I can jsut drive 15 min. back to yukon and kick it with ma and pa whenever i want. It's funny because i was expecting so much "newness" when i moved out, yet many things stayed the same as all the things i didn't imagine, changed.

NOw i am looking for a ridiculous season of change in my moving. My sister and i looked at a house today. IT was a rush. Holy crap. My first house ever... My first time of paying rent... buying my own groceries.. what the heck. This will be the time of "newness" i thought i was going to be getting in August. Not that it's December, i suppose "newness" is making its way to me. It freaks me out. I am trying to like it. I know i will love it when i get used to it.. but it's like starting all over... again.. it's lame.. but i guess it is what the Lord has for me.

SNU, i will miss you, but Norman, i will love you, unlike Bethany, OKlahoma.

so.. goodness about "newness"

hum. KAte Thompson. NOrman Community Church. Boyd and Brooks. I will love rolling that off my tongue. the simple corner of the back porch will help me to be filled with the sweetness of the Lord. Living with my sister. Being close to friends. hoping for more with the new friends the Lord has given me. Trusting the Lord is Good. Trusting that the Lord knows my desires. even when they are so many blocks away. THe Lord knows. He knows. sitting with friends who love me when i need them.

The Lord has delivered me out of my desert of the last 19 years of my life. It is a time of fruit. I can forget my past shitty friendships and look for the new blossoms that are bloming around me. THey are coming in pink and orange, red and beautiful. They are a gift from the Lord and it's quite nice.

I apologize for the clutter of this letter. It is all ovr the place, but that is how i am at times. All overthe place. Messy. And that's how i like it. I don't need order right now. Just chaos for the Lord. He is what i thirst for and hunger for. More you You Jesus, it's what i want and need. I can't pretend to imagine taht i know what you are goign ot be doing in the next few months, all i can pray for is jsut more of you and less of me. i love you. AMen.

flaker.

2008-11-23T20:18:00.000-08:00

were so afraid tell me about yourself?

REALLY?

not worthy?

Can not trust me to myself from you?

why is it bad?

understand.

miss .

He is a listener.

2008-11-17T00:16:00.000-08:00

Well it goes like this for today, and many days recently. Every time i see this certain person in my life, my heart and soul begins to ache. She is still my lover, i still love her, but it's so freaking hard at all times. SEriously, about 85% of the time i have to work at it. It's terrible. I feel my insides well up and i just want to scream and yell. I want to be honest and tell jan ann how i feel. I want to tell her how much i love her, then i want to scream at her and tell her how much she hurts me. I tried a little bit to avoid her today, but it didn't work. THe Lord had other plans for me apparently. When i was walking out the door with her i just though, Alex, just don't say anything. Just resist the temptation. Don't listen to the lies, don't let her tell you things that aren't true. They are lies from the enemy and they aren't true. It's not her talking, it's the enemy. He hates you, he wants to destroy you, don't give in. Even when it hurts the most.

I'm learning what it means to suffer for Christ. Jan Ann seems to tell me hurtful things, but i know they aren't from her, Satan is just using her. That terrifies me. I hate him. i wish he would leave her alone and let her come to You Jesus. i miss her, i love her. Why has she been so hurtful lately? I feel like i don't deserve ALL the pain she brings upon me. I understand, ok, sometimes i mess up and i deserve to be treated the way i am, but most of the time it's nothing. NOTHING! She just flips out.

Today as we were driving from one place to another as we do on many sunday evenings, the same conversations break about. Alex, you are so selfish, you are the rudest person. All you do is criticize me all the time. I don't do anything for you. When i do something for you, you don't appreciate it, you just expect it. Of all these things, all i expect from her is the last, i just want her love, I want her to care about me the way i want her to.. I know it will never happen and it breaks my heart, i miss her and i love her. Why is she so far away? Why can't she see how she is treating me. I don't understand.

Actually, it's perfectly clear. She is receiving stupid lies from the Enemy. FREAKING LIES.

SO anyway, we are driving back to my home and she starts picking and picking, i don't know what to do. I don't want to retaliate. I hold in for a bit. The first 10 min. probably, then every word she utters is death in my ears I can;t take it any longer. No, i am not these things. I begin to break down and tears come from my eyes, little streams in a deep valley. I begin to pray. "Lord, take this away. i cannot handle these things. I cannot listen. THese are lies. I will not take this. Take it Jesus, take it away. "

My tears dry up, it's done. She stops talking. I stopped listening. That was that. I cannot process these things. Then a second later, she puts her arm around my neck and pats. She puts her hand on my head through my hair and says, " I'm sorry i yelled at you, I'm sorry." Astonished i say, " Thank you, thank you. "

Immediate prayer is the key. The enemy hates it when i pray. HE does such a great job at making me feel like shit and then Lord comes and takes all of it away. Apology from the least likely person in the world is sweetness form the Lord. This is just proof of My Jesus. My King. He is worthy of Praise. he is worthy of my cries for help. HE is quick to answer when i call. His love for me is bigger than i know.

Change of pace.

I want my desire for a certain friend be turned into a desire for my Jesus. It is coming and it is certainly unexplainable. TOday i was asked about it and i was astonished about how I felt. Jesus is teaching me.. So much every day. It is the promise of life steeping in. Melting and blending, mixing and molding.

Winter Time.

2008-11-12T22:13:00.001-08:00

MY very favorite time of the year is approaching. The Lord blesses me with cold weather and i love it very much.

This fall has been quite an exception to all my other past falls in my 19 years. Where i have lived and grown up, i never had the pleasure of watching the leaves change colors and fall to the ground. At my home we had no rees, jsut little baby ones. It was sad. THe Lord has given me a little gift of seeing the trees change and kicking around in the leaves this fall. I love the trees here on campus at snu and i was saddened today when i saw the grounds keepers with the leaf blowers blowing away all the beautiful golden leaves. But back to winter.

Winter. THe most beautiful time of year for me. I love winter first because it's cold, obviously. I love being able to bundle up and wear warm clothes with layers upon layers at all times. I love my coats and hats and gloves, and also scarves. The Lord blesses me with the cold air that blows across my face and whips me around and around.

I have always longed to have friends to sit around the fire with and drink hot tea and coffee together. A really crazy friend once said, " Winter is only good when you have some one to spend it with. " I can't agree more, but i also have found joy in all my past winters that were slightly alone. THis winter i am looking forward to spending time with my best friends in Norman, OKlahoma. A blessed place that is filling my heart. Time spent together is more time of me growing closer to my friends, who help me to grow closer with my Lord Jesus. I can't wait for this coming winter to see what the Lord is going to do with me through relationships/ friendships. I love you Lord and i thank yo for my friends so much. The winter is always better when you have someone to share it with, and this winter i do.

-thanks to my JEsus. Goodnight love.

i WANT something clever here, but i can't think that way.

2008-11-09T22:22:00.000-08:00

The only way i can think is the way you created me think. I am sick of trying to know about this, hear about that. Watch this movie, hear this song. What the Heck. I don't freaking care.

THe enemy is trying to capture me with his lies today. from about 9:30 until about 10 min, ago he had me, a little. This weekend was marvelous. I danced it up with the girls friday night, went to the PASEO!, went to Tulsa/Skiatook, then Norman. My three favorite places in OKlahoma.

Just earlier today, i was speaking so joyously of how wonderful things are going for my life and how the Lord has been blessing me and i can't wait to sit and have coffee with you to tell you about it. I told one of my 3 best tyler friends about how i excited i was about this and that.

Went to cluster and form there things got a bit strange. THis whole week i have been dealing with this crap that i have dealt with al my life. I want to trust in the Lord that he has made a group of people for me. He has made me a best friend but i am in constant search of that all the time. My new closest friends have been great, then this week the devil has been deceiving me. so well.

he likes to tell me that i mean nothing. that i am nothing to anyone and that i am worth nothing. no one thinks i am a big deal. i am nothing. you are worthless Alex. No one really needs your friendship, that's why you don't have it.

I let the enemy in and he kills me. My whole life there have been the whispers in my ears. I heard them before and believed them, but now i know the truth. JEsus loves me and thinks im GREAT!

HE has delivered me form my past and i have t believe it. It has happened, SATAN!!!! you are not welcome so get the heck away from me.

MOM:

I love you. i don't understand.. this i also have been freed from.

LEt me believe it JEsus.

what a day..

2008-11-05T20:02:00.000-08:00

So definatley a strange day. In comp. today we spent the entire hour talking about marriage and how a board of people are coming to speak about it this friday. WHAT?

Then i went to hair school today, where i was working on a pregnant lady, one other lady was next to me...being pregnant too, there was a family with a like 4 month old hanging out, and it turns out as of today one of our students is prego also.. 3 weeks along.

Children is the result of marriage in my eyes.

OKay JEsus, what are you trying to tell me?

shalom.

2008-10-29T16:30:00.000-07:00

That is what i would like.

Today has been a wonderful day. Woke up 10 Min. exactly before my 9:00 a.m. class this morning. Skipped chapel so i could get ready for the day, went to my 11:00 and chilled with my awesome professor for a bit, had a friend drive me to hair school. YEA! no walking to day in my black dress and heels. After hair school i went and had an interview that went really well. I hope i can get the job, but it will of course take up a lot of time that i obviously do not have. ugh! Then i went to Panera with my momma and she bought me dinner and a few bagels for the week. how sweet. That was my day and it isn't over yet. Homework to do. Prayer at 9 is what is taking up my thoughts right now.

Early this week, the Lord showed me a vision. I very clear one at that. It's so cool that the Lord is allowing me to see things from him. It is all new to me and i love it very much.

I was praying and talking with the Lord about finding peace. Tonight i have the opportunity to spend time with a group of believers praying through scripture and spending time worshipping.

I can't say that i am super excited about this, but i could be. You see, the vision i had was held between me and another strong person in the faith who is very close to me. It was as though i was holding on to their hand with my arm stretched out away from me towards them and with my other arm i was reaching for the Lord. I was stretched up into the heavens with the clouds. It was very cool, and i feel like it was from the Lord. But what i do not know is this: Should i let go of the person i am holding on to? Do i keep a hold of it or not? I am not totally sure, I am def. willing to let them go, but i'm still reaching out for God while holding onto their hand. What does it mean? ha. I don't know and really i am ok with that. It is still so cool to know that the Lord is speaking to me through visions. It's AWESOME!

So, good things.

Other things.

Tonight.

Prayer.

I want to be there. i want to engage with the Lord without destraction. I want to find the Lord tonight and receive from him just as anyone else might. It would be great. But what is hard? I cannot bring it to words.

For anyone who ever reads this, which is probably no one, i do hope your day goes well and know that Jesus the Risen One is the Light to anything in your life. He is the answer. Have a great day.

smoke and music

2008-10-26T20:53:00.000-07:00

What a strange day.

Last night was by far the best night i have had in a long time. The Spirit of the sovereign Lord was upon me and it was quite clear. My first Saturday Night in history turned out to be a good one. THe Lord sent down his words like angels over me. The beautiful dialects spoken over me were incredible. I have been freed from darkness, just as it says in Isaiah 61:1-3. My past has been swept away from me and it no longer matters. THe Lord has forgotten my past and THe Lord is my Father who really cares about me. He loves me and i do not need the ones who i thought were to provide for me as i once did. It is not easy trusting the Lord in this, but i have to. I want to, and i need to. There was such goodness that came about. Satan has been rebuked over my life, as well as the 10 or so girls that were prayed over last night. The Enemy has no reign over us. Not anymore, or ever again.

The strangeness begins.

After the Lord spoke such truth over me and over so many others, the Enemy loves to come in and steal the treats that Lord gives. He is jealous and wants the goodness from the Lord to turn to bitterness. In which my drunkenness from last night poured over into this morning, but it was not the drunkenness form the Lord i had received. It was the drunkenness from the enemy that had me filled with bitterness and anger from the previous night. See, after the Lord spoke truth over me, Satan spoke lies. He convinced me of anger and confusion, bitterness and sadness. THe enemy stole my joy and freedom in the Lord and replaced it with these things. I couldn't handle it and i knew how to. I was just upset. i was angry, bitter, sad, conflicted, frustrated. The fruits of the enemy you could call it. I knew it was being spoke over me and i tried to just be frustrated and be a little mad, but what i also knew and was thinking of is why alex? why are you letting the Enemy take you in this way? Are you going to seriously let Satan take the truth i just spoke over you and turn them into lies???

Why would you do that? You know you have authority over him. Claim it and mean it Alex. Claim it and don't just be mad about it....but i just ignored the Lord and woke up feeling like crap.

Morning.

I wake up ridiculously early today for the choir junk i had to take care of (which turned out to be awesome.) I felt more tired than i ever have in my entire life i think. I had to get up. It's a grade. so instead of hemming my dress for choir i just cut the bottom of it off... (lame sauce and so unlike me.) i still felt as heavy this morning as i had hoped to leak it off in my sleep. I am glad i did not have bad dreams last night...but my dreams are protected so...thanks Jesus... but i woke up this morning and could barley move. i slept through the ride to the church. we sang and went and sat on the pews to wait for the other choirs sing and i fell asleep immediately. i have never slept in church before and i don't remember a thing. I layed my face on my hand and was out. Why? i have no idea, the enemy was using my tiredness for me to miss out on the worship i could have.. but i slept on. It was the weirdest sleep i have ever had. not fulfilling, i just needed it. like an addict needs his drug. and i had it. I finally got to take a nap, but then woke up with a headache... still unsatisfied.

Recovery.

Finally i realize as i wake up im totally hungover. not from alcohol, or the Lord but from the enemy and said nope. You can't do this to me anymore. Sorry, go away. and It was gone. i am still very tired right now, but i have authority and i feel better. no more fruits of the enemy, but truth from the Lord. The has spoken truth over me and i will not be held back. I will not be held back from anything. I am starting to ask the Lord to change my heart. It scares me, but i think it is what i want.

Thanks for your goodness Jesus, and your truth that has been spoken over me. I love you. Amen.

Oh goodness.

2008-10-06T22:47:00.000-07:00

WEll, Jesus, i want to have more of you. I want to be in the place where i am not thinking of just one person. But my thoughts and dreams, wishes, and hopes, all my conversations will be about you. Jesus, i need more conversation with you. I need to find you. Lord tonight was an exceptional night. I was so blessed that I was able to spend time with friends who care about me. Friends who are interested in the things that i am. The friends i trust to not freak out when we start smoking hookah (ha ha ha) what a funny thing. I learned so much tonight.

Tonight the Lord showed me relationships. He showed me that every person at the table tonight i actually cared about getting to know them more, and not just that one special friend sitting in your lap holding your hand, but it was like 3 people. gosh. Never in my life have i had a table of friends who i loved all so much. Maybe one person at a time, possibly two but never more than that. God has been blessing me with friendships. A friend told me that my past friendships cannot be poison me anymore, or all my future friendships will be poisoned. So, i prayed and the Lord has been blessing me since then. Not just blessing, but blessing in abundance, holy crap.

Thanks JEsus. Please help me to seek you more and that be my desire and not the things that seem to be consuming my mind. Take those away and let me be filled with you. thank you jesus.

amen.

uncle mike.

2008-10-04T23:13:00.000-07:00

What a terrible person i am. Tonight i had the opportunity to hang out with someone in need and i a was hesitant. I was nervous. I was judgemental. I was wrong. It was like a homeless person throwing himself at me saying, hey i can take you home. My girl friend has a car. It is funny cause i think that the place i am in is so much higher than him. What is really funny is that i am the carless person and this woman who is "scum" actually is better than myself. Jesus. This is so crazy to me. I have am trying to have a heart for the homeless and the poor, the addicted and abused. It hasn't come really yet. Tonight was the perfect example. My uncle who is an alcoholic and what i can tell is a little off is the one who offered me a ride to take me home. i was so nervous and scared. HE was offering and i was nervous that he was going to do something crazy. He is good enough for my dad. They are friends, I am trying to love people like him and not be scared of them. What an opportunity. I was a bit nervous getting in the car tonight, then i ended up having a normal conversation with my uncle. Not an alcoholic. The Lord is teaching me in real ways. what a freaking crazy night.

Love you.

2008-10-03T15:48:00.000-07:00

Hey, just want you to know that i love you so much girl! I am praying for and i am happy i know you and have been able to be around you. I also am excited about story time with you. LOVES LOVES.

SWells.

2008-09-29T21:54:00.000-07:00

Hallelujah to my holy King. What a wonderful time i just had with Jesus. This place here in Bethany, Oklahoma is a sacred place. The Lord has promised life for me in this season and it has come today.

How terrible i thought i felt this afternoon, i did not go to class and slept through this afternoon. After lunch i went back to my room and reminisced on my past and felt very sad and weak. A little later i brought myself to call a friend. No answer.

A little later that friend called back just as the sadness was becoming overwhelming. Then i was able to talk and share my heart with this person. Just as i was struggling so was my friend. We shared our stories and gave encouragement. Lifting up a brother or sister is a gift from the Lord. He has blessed us with conversation. In closing, we prayed and went our separate ways.

I then proceeded to dinner, had some pizza (yuck) and conversation. After this i went to Tanner's apt., went to Pop's and then to Broadhurst to hang out with some other friends. The enemy keeps trying to tell me that i don't have friends here. That i don't have anything to do or anyone to hang out with. Jesus please help me to look to you for the people you desire me to get to know more. The one's who are to be close to my heart. Reveal them to me, Let there be more than surface here in this place. I know there is more, YOU have promised me more. Let me find it Jesus. Let me find these people in you.

God thanks for being so cool and letting me find you tonight in the prayer chapel. What a sacred place you have brought me to. Thank you for the kisses you have bestowed upon me. Thank you Lord. The Prayer chapel and I will be having future dates and I know that you will be meeting with us there. Thanks for such an incredibly amazing night. Amen.

More seasons of life.

2008-09-28T12:09:00.000-07:00

OH satan, you are trying so hard to distract me. I will not let you win. Be afraid of me because i have Jesus and he has promised me seasons of life, and the season for that is this one. SO get away, i will not let you bring me down.

The craziness of my life is starting to set in. Hair school is going to take till next November at the rate I'm going in, I would like to know what I am supposed to do for next year, I don't have a car and this is causing problems with my parents. Jesus this is the life that you have chosen for me right now. THe thing is i am in love with this. The enemy will not let me not love this season. SO here it is Jesus. I give this to you, take it and have fun with me. aMen.

Seasons of Life.

2008-09-25T23:00:00.000-07:00

Lord Jesus, today has been a weird day, i feel like it has been terrible, but i know that compared to other people it's nothing. Lord, you have spoken seasons of life over me. This season for me is here at SNU. Living on campus is great. You have given me a wonderful roommate. She is so nice, nothing to complain about. Lord, i feel like when i first got here to SNU i met all of these really great people. I met fun new friends and felt like i was really going to love it a lot here. It's not bad, I'm not saying it's terrible, but JEsus, i don't feel like i have met anyone who i really can get along with. Lord you have put me in this place. Today i was doing homework with a friend in the art building. It was nice having someone to talk to and listen to music with. Jesus i just want more than that though. GOd no one here wants to really talk about you. No one at this "christian" college is interested in going deeper. Maybe that isn't true. Its probably is not. I just have not met these people yet. God i ask that you would lead me to these people. Jesus, i want to grow closer with you. Today the enemy was whispering secrets to me. He was telling me that i am not going to find anyone to talk to about you. I am not going to find someone who i can talk with about you and about the things in my life that really matter. I was getting down and sad. Then i remembered the seasons of life you promised me a month or so ago. I remembered that you want good things for me. You are not hiding your life from me, you want me to follow you Lord. I felt a little better after that but was still a little frustrated. I need JEsus to take this away from me. This sadness that is overwhelming me. It musters up inside and tries to swallow me. MAke me sad, make me frail, make me weak, make me cry. I will not let down. i will keep fighting for you my JEsus, I need your arms to wrap around me and show me your life. Show me the fruit and goodness that you are bearing in my life. Jesus i feel like you have taken much of the goodness that was coming into this season. Lord why? What can i do to keep the fruit coming in. THe fruit needed to be pruned so i may bear more fruit. That is why alex. I needed a pruning. Lord help me now to just look for you. PLease help me to find you in the dark places. Jesus as I'm looking, let me find you, Hold my hand, guide me through, wrap your arms around me. Hold me in your hand like a child. Father as i was doubting tonight you showed me the life you promised me. FAther, Les. Tonight she needed me. She actually needed something from you that has been hiding inside of me. Lord, a girl who had been crying and needing you. Jesus the enemy has told her that she is too busy, Father i ask that you would provide for her, Help her to find peace tonight, Thank you for putting her on my floor and allowing me to pray with her and help her to find peace. It is from you and you alone that life is coming from, it is not from me. All i can do is think about how miserable i am right now, which im not. i jsut think i am kind of in this and that area. Lord, please take me as your own, give me peace and help me to love the campus at snu. Help me to look for those in need of you, GOd send me out, Let me be a leader and serve you the way you long to be served. I love you JEsus, THank you for tonight and all that you are. aMen.

sure.

2008-09-25T16:40:00.000-07:00

" If you want it come and get it. "

If only it were that easy.

YEAH!!!!!!

2008-09-24T22:54:00.000-07:00

Halleluia! All the procedures are over with. Recovery is standing in my door! Today was probably one of my funniest days alive. After having a few doses of anesthesia my day swept away rather quickly. All i remember is them telling me to go to sleep and they would talk to me when i wake up... Nope. Don't remember anything until i was at home in my bed. This is definitely a strange feeling. Especially since i cant remember putting my clothes on. I have a few memories from the drive home. i remember feeling like," Wow are we already on our way home? Did we finish already?" Then a little longer on the drive, i asked my dad, "Did you get my clothes?" He said, "Yes Alex, you are wearing them." HAHAHa. That's funny. Eventually i got home and into my bed, where i received a lot of text messages that were extremely hard to reply to. I was so tired, all i could do was sleep. Eventually i woke up and ate some food. It has almost been 2 days since i had eaten...Starvation. Then i tried to watch this movie with a friend, but fell asleep basically. ha. What i funny day. Good, so good. A friend also text me yesterday asking questions about today's procedures and it real was nice. Thanks to everyone who was in prayer for me today. I know that Lord blessed me today and im blessed by all of you. Goodnight to all. And to those who love Jesus, isn't greattt!! Amen

colon and her oscopy

2008-09-23T16:53:00.000-07:00

Today started out with me knowing that at 2:00 this afternoon i would get to start drinking a gallon of water with 248 grams of laxatives. That is a lot of water if i say so myself. It has not been as terrible as i thought it would be, but i only threw up once, so far. In the morning about 7:30 i get to start drinking this other yummy substance. i sure cant wait. ughhghhghgh.

Anyway, i had some time with Jesus this morning and it was good. i needed some help from a friend to really make me understand my time with Jesus today. I had a time this morning asking questions and word vomitting on Jesus today. it was quite terrible. I know that the Lord has great plans for me, but i have so many questions. why can i not be content with what the Lord has given me for today? Jesus i need you. Please comfort me,

Today

2008-09-23T00:13:00.000-07:00

Today was quite an interesting day for me. I thought that today was the start of the terribleness of getting a colonoscopy. Ughhh... But i then learned that really i skipped clas this morning and what will be tomorrow as well. i could go to class, but am choosing not to really. i went this evening to buy my fun medication that is going to have me pooping my brains out for about 24 hours. It was quite difficult paying money for things that i know are going to make me miserable. for real. its going to suck. i have to drink a gallon of water with this laxative hidden not so deep inside. then later i get to drink the magnesium business that apparently lemon flavored and terrible. i cant freaking wait. One hting i am a little worried about is being at home all day alone. sometimes i really enjoy spending time alone, but its always nice for someone to be close and laying in your bed with you when you are sick. i pray that i will be able to be ok tomorrow.

Today has been a little rough. i miss a certain person today. He was going to be a good friend to count on coming to spend time with me this week while im sick. now i know for sure he wont be anywhere near. oh well. im tired. night.

nothing.

2008-09-20T15:21:00.000-07:00

Today has been good. i wonder how the Refuge went this morning. Good i hope. wish i could have been there a lot. well now im about to go see my friend tyler d. who has been at tech school for a few weeks now. I can't wait. After that its camping with tyler k. and family. how funny that 3 of my closest friends are named tyler. i will maybe have a kid named that some day. maybe if i have children. anyway, camping with t.kauk and family will be fun. ha. then its off to norman for a haircut and cluster. sweet. i cant wait for JEsus on sunday. although He is here now, sunday will be with others. have a good day everyone. aL

Friday Night Parties with Myself.

2008-09-18T22:29:00.001-07:00

Hello. What a fabulous day it has been today. I slept in a little bit and woke up like 10 minutes before class. Threw on a hat and my glasses and was off. I went to design class first and that was alright. It was the final critique today and all 4 of my designs did not really get talked about. That was a little lame for me. I wanted mine to stand out a little bit. I really want to be good at these things, but I am just okay i guess. Bummer, oh well. Went back to my room for a nap, went to Comp. then did a hair cut. Cool. It was nice to have the day off form hair school. Mondays and fridays off are nice really. Went to Blue 7 to pay and pick up some t-shirts for the design contest i am doing there. I really hope that goes well. it would be so cool if i could win. goodness. Really. Its cool.

After all that my mom and i got to hang out for a little while.

Mom is cool sometimes. Its really funny though. She is my little kid mom. She likes to buy things all the time. Today was better than normal though. Usually if we go shopping its hard for me to just sit back and let her buy things, but today was alright i guess. I just tried to keep my opinions about spending lots of money to myself. SO today, shopping was fun, plus i got 3 pairs of shoes out of the deal. ha. i dont need them at all. im so ridiculous.

Ok, so a cool part of the day.

LUNCH.

Today was pretty cool because i was talking with a few people about the Refuge. The Refuge is a building where Jesus people hang out and spend time with those in need. Sadly, i have not been able to go yet, but i am hoping to go some day when the Lord provides a way for me. I was talking to Matt and this girl, im not sure of her name, but telling matt that soon there is going to be some information about the REfuge coming soon and that i would let him know about it as soon as i did.

Lunch was also cool because i got to share with my friend chris about some missions. In the last 4 days more doors for missions have opened up than in like the last 4 months. i have been praying the God will reveal his heart for me about this coming summer. I stayed home this summer and i cannot wait to go and share the Love of Jesus in africa. i am really wanting to go there...the possibilities are coming into view now. its great. BUT, i got to talk to day with a friend at lunch about his summer in europe backpacking and also about my previous trips. He is hopinh to go to the Zambia for 3 weeks, Cool. ill be praying for him i hope.

AFTER LUNCH.

Blake text me and was like hey, we are meeting at the refuge tomorrow at 10, i know you cant go but i thought i would let you know. tell your friends. hahahaha. Jesus has the coolest timing ever.

All in all it was a good day. i hope no one judges me for my terrible spelling and typing. this is supposed to be what i want. and thats it. so here it is. aL

entering real life

2008-09-18T22:29:00.000-07:00

Wow. So here is my first blog ever i believe. The reason for this is that i found a really good song today and it made me want to write i suppose. A new friend also told me that i need to come into the 21st century and not think that a computer is just big pieces is plastic and metal. so i guess i'm trying to become better at that and make my life online now. i still think it doesn't really matter because my favorite thing in the world is conversation. It is also a word i like to write, along with beautiful.

I suppose a "blog" is supposed to be all deep and what not. i think that thoughts are deep enough, why do they have to be put into words, why aren't thoughts enough sometimes. but words aren't enough at other times. nothing is enough is how we people think.

Lately words have actually been enough for me. It's crazy the last few days of my life. I miss a new friend a lot, but i am praying for him right now. He is in such need. i pray he may be content in this season and not ask for more.