flaker.

      were    so afraid  tell me about yourself?

REALLY?

          not worthy?

Can     not trust me to       myself from you?

why is it     bad?

 

                           understand.

             miss         .

He is a listener.

Well it goes like this for today, and many days recently. Every time i see this certain person in my life, my heart and soul begins to ache. She is still my lover, i still love her, but it's so freaking hard at all times. SEriously, about 85% of the time i have to work at it. It's terrible. I feel my insides well up and i just want to scream and yell. I want to be honest and tell jan ann how i feel. I want to tell her how much i love her, then i want to scream at her and tell her how much she hurts me. I tried a little bit to avoid her today, but it didn't work. THe Lord had other plans for me apparently. When i was walking out the door with her i just though, Alex, just don't say anything. Just resist the temptation. Don't listen to the lies, don't let her tell you things that aren't true. They are lies from the enemy and they aren't true. It's not her talking, it's the enemy. He hates you, he wants to destroy you, don't give in. Even when it hurts the most.

I'm learning what it means to suffer for Christ. Jan Ann seems to tell me hurtful things, but i know they aren't from her, Satan is just using her. That terrifies me.  I hate him. i wish he would leave her alone and let her come to You Jesus. i miss her, i love her. Why has she been so hurtful lately? I feel like i don't deserve ALL the pain she brings upon me. I understand, ok, sometimes i mess up and i deserve to be treated the way i am, but most of the time it's nothing. NOTHING! She just flips out.

Today as we were driving from one place to another as we do on many sunday evenings, the same conversations break about. Alex, you are so selfish, you are the rudest person. All you do is criticize me all the time. I don't do anything for you. When i do something for you, you don't appreciate it, you just expect it. Of all these things, all i expect from her is the last, i just want her love, I want her to care about me the way i want her to.. I know it will never happen and it breaks my heart, i miss her and i love her. Why is she so far away? Why can't she see how she is treating me. I don't understand.

Actually, it's perfectly clear. She is receiving stupid lies from the Enemy. FREAKING LIES.

SO anyway, we are driving back to my home and she starts picking and picking, i don't know what to do. I don't want to retaliate. I hold in for a bit. The first 10 min. probably, then every word she utters is death in my ears I can;t take it any longer. No, i am not these things. I begin to break down and tears come from my eyes, little streams in a deep valley. I begin to pray. "Lord, take this away. i cannot handle these things. I cannot listen. THese are lies. I will not take this. Take it Jesus, take it away. "

My tears dry up, it's done. She stops talking.  I stopped listening. That was that. I cannot process these things. Then a second later, she puts her arm around my neck and pats. She puts her hand on my head through my hair and says, " I'm sorry i yelled at you, I'm sorry." Astonished i say, " Thank you, thank you. " 

Immediate prayer is the key. The enemy hates it when i pray. HE does such a great job at making me feel like shit and then Lord comes and takes all of it away. Apology from the least likely person in the world is sweetness form the Lord. This is just proof of My Jesus. My King. He is worthy of Praise. he is worthy of my cries for help. HE is quick to answer when i call. His love for me is bigger than i know. 

Change of pace.

I want my desire for a certain friend be turned into a desire for my Jesus. It is coming and it is certainly unexplainable. TOday i was asked about it and i was astonished about how I felt. Jesus is teaching me.. So much every day. It is the promise of life steeping in. Melting and blending, mixing and molding.

Winter Time.

MY very favorite time of the year is approaching. The Lord blesses me with cold weather and i love it very much. 

This fall has been quite an exception to all my other past falls in my 19 years. Where i have lived and grown up, i never had the pleasure of watching the leaves change colors and fall to the ground. At my home we had no rees, jsut little baby ones. It was sad.  THe Lord has given me a little gift of seeing the trees change and kicking around in the leaves this fall. I love the trees here on campus at snu and i was saddened today when i saw the grounds keepers with the leaf blowers blowing away all the beautiful golden leaves. But back to winter.

Winter. THe most beautiful time of year for me. I love winter first because it's cold, obviously. I love being able to bundle up and wear warm clothes with layers upon layers at all times. I love my coats and hats and gloves, and also scarves. The Lord blesses me with the cold air that blows across my face and whips me around and around. 

I have always longed to have friends to sit around the fire with and drink hot tea and coffee together. A really crazy friend once said, " Winter is only good when you have some one to spend it with. " I can't agree more, but i also have found joy in all my past winters that were slightly alone. THis winter i am looking forward to spending time with my best friends in Norman, OKlahoma. A blessed place that is filling my heart. Time spent together is more time of me growing closer to my friends, who help me to grow closer with my Lord Jesus. I can't wait for this coming winter to see what the Lord is going to do with me through relationships/ friendships. I love you Lord and i thank yo for my friends so much. The winter is always better when you have someone to share it with, and this winter i do.

     -thanks to my JEsus. Goodnight love.

aL

i WANT something clever here, but i can't think that way.

  The only way i can think is the way you created me think. I am sick of trying to know about this, hear about that. Watch this movie, hear this song. What the Heck. I don't freaking care. 

 THe enemy is trying to capture me with his lies today. from about 9:30 until about 10 min, ago he had me, a little. This weekend was marvelous. I danced it up with the girls friday night, went to the PASEO!,  went to Tulsa/Skiatook, then Norman. My three favorite places in OKlahoma.

 Just earlier today, i was speaking so joyously of how wonderful things are going for my life and how the Lord has been blessing me and i can't wait to sit and have coffee with you to tell you about it. I told one of my 3 best tyler friends about how i excited i was about this and that.

Went to cluster and form there things got a bit strange. THis whole week i have been dealing with this crap that i have dealt with al my life. I want to trust in the Lord that he has made a group of people for me. He has made me a best friend but i am in constant search of that all the time. My new closest friends have been great, then this week the devil has been deceiving me. so well.

  he likes to tell me that i mean nothing. that i am nothing to anyone and that i am worth nothing. no one thinks i am a big deal. i am nothing. you are worthless Alex.  No one really needs your friendship, that's why you don't have it. 

I let the enemy in and he kills me. My whole life there have been the whispers in my ears. I heard them before and believed them, but now i know the truth. JEsus loves me and thinks im GREAT!

HE has delivered me form my past and i have t believe it. It has happened, SATAN!!!! you are not welcome so get the heck away from me. 

MOM:

I love you. i don't understand.. this i also have been freed from.  

LEt me believe it JEsus.

what a day..

So definatley a strange day. In comp. today we spent the entire hour talking about marriage and how a board of people are coming to speak about it this friday. WHAT?

Then i went to hair school today, where i was working on a pregnant lady, one other lady was next to me...being pregnant too, there was a family with a like 4 month old hanging out, and it turns out as of today one of our students is prego also.. 3 weeks along.

Children is the result of marriage in my eyes.

OKay JEsus, what are you trying to tell me?