flaker.

      were    so afraid  tell me about yourself?

REALLY?

          not worthy?

Can     not trust me to       myself from you?

why is it     bad?

 

                           understand.

             miss         .

He is a listener.

Well it goes like this for today, and many days recently. Every time i see this certain person in my life, my heart and soul begins to ache. She is still my lover, i still love her, but it's so freaking hard at all times. SEriously, about 85% of the time i have to work at it. It's terrible. I feel my insides well up and i just want to scream and yell. I want to be honest and tell jan ann how i feel. I want to tell her how much i love her, then i want to scream at her and tell her how much she hurts me. I tried a little bit to avoid her today, but it didn't work. THe Lord had other plans for me apparently. When i was walking out the door with her i just though, Alex, just don't say anything. Just resist the temptation. Don't listen to the lies, don't let her tell you things that aren't true. They are lies from the enemy and they aren't true. It's not her talking, it's the enemy. He hates you, he wants to destroy you, don't give in. Even when it hurts the most.

I'm learning what it means to suffer for Christ. Jan Ann seems to tell me hurtful things, but i know they aren't from her, Satan is just using her. That terrifies me.  I hate him. i wish he would leave her alone and let her come to You Jesus. i miss her, i love her. Why has she been so hurtful lately? I feel like i don't deserve ALL the pain she brings upon me. I understand, ok, sometimes i mess up and i deserve to be treated the way i am, but most of the time it's nothing. NOTHING! She just flips out.

Today as we were driving from one place to another as we do on many sunday evenings, the same conversations break about. Alex, you are so selfish, you are the rudest person. All you do is criticize me all the time. I don't do anything for you. When i do something for you, you don't appreciate it, you just expect it. Of all these things, all i expect from her is the last, i just want her love, I want her to care about me the way i want her to.. I know it will never happen and it breaks my heart, i miss her and i love her. Why is she so far away? Why can't she see how she is treating me. I don't understand.

Actually, it's perfectly clear. She is receiving stupid lies from the Enemy. FREAKING LIES.

SO anyway, we are driving back to my home and she starts picking and picking, i don't know what to do. I don't want to retaliate. I hold in for a bit. The first 10 min. probably, then every word she utters is death in my ears I can;t take it any longer. No, i am not these things. I begin to break down and tears come from my eyes, little streams in a deep valley. I begin to pray. "Lord, take this away. i cannot handle these things. I cannot listen. THese are lies. I will not take this. Take it Jesus, take it away. "

My tears dry up, it's done. She stops talking.  I stopped listening. That was that. I cannot process these things. Then a second later, she puts her arm around my neck and pats. She puts her hand on my head through my hair and says, " I'm sorry i yelled at you, I'm sorry." Astonished i say, " Thank you, thank you. " 

Immediate prayer is the key. The enemy hates it when i pray. HE does such a great job at making me feel like shit and then Lord comes and takes all of it away. Apology from the least likely person in the world is sweetness form the Lord. This is just proof of My Jesus. My King. He is worthy of Praise. he is worthy of my cries for help. HE is quick to answer when i call. His love for me is bigger than i know. 

Change of pace.

I want my desire for a certain friend be turned into a desire for my Jesus. It is coming and it is certainly unexplainable. TOday i was asked about it and i was astonished about how I felt. Jesus is teaching me.. So much every day. It is the promise of life steeping in. Melting and blending, mixing and molding.

Winter Time.

MY very favorite time of the year is approaching. The Lord blesses me with cold weather and i love it very much. 

This fall has been quite an exception to all my other past falls in my 19 years. Where i have lived and grown up, i never had the pleasure of watching the leaves change colors and fall to the ground. At my home we had no rees, jsut little baby ones. It was sad.  THe Lord has given me a little gift of seeing the trees change and kicking around in the leaves this fall. I love the trees here on campus at snu and i was saddened today when i saw the grounds keepers with the leaf blowers blowing away all the beautiful golden leaves. But back to winter.

Winter. THe most beautiful time of year for me. I love winter first because it's cold, obviously. I love being able to bundle up and wear warm clothes with layers upon layers at all times. I love my coats and hats and gloves, and also scarves. The Lord blesses me with the cold air that blows across my face and whips me around and around. 

I have always longed to have friends to sit around the fire with and drink hot tea and coffee together. A really crazy friend once said, " Winter is only good when you have some one to spend it with. " I can't agree more, but i also have found joy in all my past winters that were slightly alone. THis winter i am looking forward to spending time with my best friends in Norman, OKlahoma. A blessed place that is filling my heart. Time spent together is more time of me growing closer to my friends, who help me to grow closer with my Lord Jesus. I can't wait for this coming winter to see what the Lord is going to do with me through relationships/ friendships. I love you Lord and i thank yo for my friends so much. The winter is always better when you have someone to share it with, and this winter i do.

     -thanks to my JEsus. Goodnight love.

aL

i WANT something clever here, but i can't think that way.

  The only way i can think is the way you created me think. I am sick of trying to know about this, hear about that. Watch this movie, hear this song. What the Heck. I don't freaking care. 

 THe enemy is trying to capture me with his lies today. from about 9:30 until about 10 min, ago he had me, a little. This weekend was marvelous. I danced it up with the girls friday night, went to the PASEO!,  went to Tulsa/Skiatook, then Norman. My three favorite places in OKlahoma.

 Just earlier today, i was speaking so joyously of how wonderful things are going for my life and how the Lord has been blessing me and i can't wait to sit and have coffee with you to tell you about it. I told one of my 3 best tyler friends about how i excited i was about this and that.

Went to cluster and form there things got a bit strange. THis whole week i have been dealing with this crap that i have dealt with al my life. I want to trust in the Lord that he has made a group of people for me. He has made me a best friend but i am in constant search of that all the time. My new closest friends have been great, then this week the devil has been deceiving me. so well.

  he likes to tell me that i mean nothing. that i am nothing to anyone and that i am worth nothing. no one thinks i am a big deal. i am nothing. you are worthless Alex.  No one really needs your friendship, that's why you don't have it. 

I let the enemy in and he kills me. My whole life there have been the whispers in my ears. I heard them before and believed them, but now i know the truth. JEsus loves me and thinks im GREAT!

HE has delivered me form my past and i have t believe it. It has happened, SATAN!!!! you are not welcome so get the heck away from me. 

MOM:

I love you. i don't understand.. this i also have been freed from.  

LEt me believe it JEsus.

what a day..

So definatley a strange day. In comp. today we spent the entire hour talking about marriage and how a board of people are coming to speak about it this friday. WHAT?

Then i went to hair school today, where i was working on a pregnant lady, one other lady was next to me...being pregnant too, there was a family with a like 4 month old hanging out, and it turns out as of today one of our students is prego also.. 3 weeks along.

Children is the result of marriage in my eyes.

OKay JEsus, what are you trying to tell me?

shalom.

That is what i would like.

Today has been a wonderful day. Woke up 10 Min. exactly before my 9:00 a.m. class this morning. Skipped chapel so i could get ready for the day, went to my 11:00 and chilled with my awesome professor for a bit, had a friend drive me to hair school. YEA! no walking to day in my black dress and heels.  After hair school i went and had an interview that went really well. I hope i can get the job, but it will of course take up a lot of time that i obviously do not have. ugh! Then i went to Panera with my momma and she bought me dinner and a few bagels for the week. how sweet. That was my day and it isn't over yet. Homework to do. Prayer at 9 is what is taking up my thoughts right now.

Early this week, the Lord showed me a vision. I very clear one at that. It's so cool that the Lord is allowing me to see things from him. It is all new to me and i love it very much.

I was praying and talking with the Lord about finding peace. Tonight i have the opportunity to spend time with a group of believers praying through scripture and spending time worshipping.

I can't say that i am super excited about this, but i could be. You see, the vision i had was held between me and another strong person in the faith who is very close to me. It was as though i was holding on to their hand with my arm stretched out away from me towards them and with my other arm i was reaching for the Lord. I was stretched up into the heavens with the clouds. It was very cool, and i feel like it was from the Lord. But what i do not know is this: Should i let go of the person i am holding on to? Do i keep  a hold of it or not? I am not totally sure, I am def. willing to let them go, but i'm still reaching out for God while holding onto their hand. What does it mean? ha. I don't know and really i am ok with that. It is still so cool to know that the Lord is speaking to me through visions. It's AWESOME!

So, good things.

Other things. 

Tonight.

Prayer.

I want to be there. i want to engage with the Lord without destraction. I want to find the Lord tonight and receive from him just as anyone else might. It would be great. But what is hard? I cannot bring it to words. 

For anyone who ever reads this, which is probably no one, i do hope your day goes well and know that Jesus the Risen One is the Light to anything in your life. He is the answer. Have a great day.

aL

smoke and music

What a strange day. 

Last night was by far the best night i have had in a long time. The Spirit of the sovereign Lord was upon me and it was quite clear. My first Saturday Night in history turned out to be a good one. THe Lord sent down his words like angels over me. The beautiful dialects spoken over me were incredible. I have been freed from darkness, just as it says in Isaiah 61:1-3. My past has been swept away from me and it no longer matters. THe Lord has forgotten my past and THe Lord is my Father who really cares about me. He loves me and i do not need the ones who i thought were to provide for me as i once did. It is not easy trusting the Lord in this, but i have to. I want to, and i need to. There was such goodness that came about. Satan has been rebuked over my life, as well as the 10 or so girls that were prayed over last night. The Enemy has no reign over us. Not anymore, or ever again.

The strangeness begins.

 After the Lord spoke such truth over me and over so many others, the Enemy loves to come in and steal the treats that Lord gives. He is jealous and wants the goodness from the Lord to turn to bitterness. In which my drunkenness from last night poured over into this morning, but it was not the drunkenness form the Lord i had received. It was the drunkenness from the enemy that had me filled with bitterness and anger from the previous night. See, after the Lord spoke truth over me, Satan spoke lies. He convinced me of anger and confusion, bitterness and sadness. THe enemy stole my joy and freedom in the Lord and replaced it with these things. I couldn't handle it and i knew how to. I was just upset. i was angry, bitter, sad, conflicted, frustrated. The fruits of the enemy you could call it. I knew it was being spoke over me and i tried to just be frustrated and be a little mad, but what i also knew and was thinking of is why alex? why are you letting the Enemy take you in this way? Are you going to seriously let Satan take the truth i just spoke over you and turn them into lies???

Why would you do that? You know you have authority over him. Claim it and mean it Alex. Claim it and don't just be mad about it....but i just ignored the Lord and woke up feeling like crap.

Morning.

I wake up ridiculously early today for the choir junk i had to take care of (which turned out to be awesome.) I felt more tired than i ever have in my entire life i think. I had to get up. It's a grade. so instead of hemming my dress for choir i just cut the bottom of it off... (lame sauce and so unlike me.) i still felt as heavy this morning as i had hoped to leak it off in my sleep. I am glad i did not have bad dreams last night...but my dreams are protected so...thanks Jesus... but i woke up this morning and could barley move. i slept through the ride to the church. we sang and went and sat on the pews to wait for the other choirs sing and i fell asleep immediately. i have never slept in church before and i don't remember a thing. I layed my face on my hand and was out. Why? i have no idea, the enemy was using my tiredness for me to miss out on the worship i could have.. but i slept on. It was the weirdest sleep i have ever had. not fulfilling,  i just needed it. like an addict needs his drug. and i had it. I finally got to take a nap, but then woke up with a headache... still unsatisfied. 

Recovery.

Finally i realize as i wake up im totally hungover. not from alcohol, or the Lord but from the enemy and said nope. You can't do this to me anymore. Sorry, go away. and It was gone. i am still very tired right now, but i have authority and i feel better. no more fruits of the enemy, but truth from the Lord. The has spoken truth over me and i will not be held back. I will not be held back from anything. I am starting to ask the Lord to change my heart. It scares me, but i think it is what i want.

Thanks for your goodness Jesus, and your truth that has been spoken over me. I love you. Amen.

aL