messy piles of today.

Well, things are in the midst of change. My life as i knew before is changing. Tonight i am staying the night at my parents in their house. I stayed here last Friday night with my sister and it was the strangest night i ave had in years, yet the Lord open up a part of me that has been closed for the last 3 years.

My family.
It terrifies me saying that i have shut off my family from my life in the last few years, but it is true. I always wanted my parents to love me the way i desired, yet told myself it would never happen. The enemy lead me to believe that there was no hope for my family. It's useless hoping for something like that, you know your family sucks. What do you expect?
Sunday night i spent a few hours praying with my friend Brett and Kate. They are my spiritual family, the closest to me anyway. I told them both about the dream i had at my mom's house and we then discussed it and prayed for a while. It was intense. Lot's of crying on my part. I tend to do that when things get serious with the Lord. Talking with Kate and Brett was really helpful. I was opened up to my feeling that i had pushed away and buried so far into the ground that i didn't even realize they were there. We searched and pulled thigns up i had forgotten about. IT was intense, that's all i can say.

So Tonight, im at Ma and Pa's again.
It was incredibly hard for me to willingly spend an evening at the place that honestly terrifies me. I never thought twice about being there until last weekend. As is 6 days ago. BUT, this week i spent some time preparing myself to spend time with my mom and be able to BE here and Be ok. It really sucked because my car died today. I moved form the Dorms to my Parents and i loaded up my car and then it didn't even start this afternoon. SHeesh. UGHHH!! Talk about annoying. So i came to the house frustrated and already in a bad mood when i got there.. So as you can guess, there was a few tears shed, but I made it through. I'm still here blogging.. how lame.


LAzy.


SO today was a fine day. Everythign was "OKAY"
I'm in this horrible place where i don't have the energy or motavation to read my Bible. I want to. I want to read and i want to Journal, but i just haven't been doing it. I don't even understand what is going on. I want to draw closer to the Lord and feel his intamacy. I dreamed about how it felt to be intimate with the Lord last night. It was incredible. I was with my sister and we could feel it together. IT was amazing. SO i know the Lord is drawing near to me, but not in journaling or reading. Those are things that i have been doing consistently since the 6th grade. Seriously. I read the entire Bible by 15 or so. It's a part of my life. I completed an entire journal my first month of being in college. I love looking at all the journals i have. They are beautiful. I write. I read. It's how i draw near to the Lord. But not right now.
IT's so weird. I am hearing from the Lord in such new ways it's like the old ways aren't even attractive to me. I Love reading the Bible, i want to feast in it, yet it just sits there. the Lord is teaching me to hear from him, to listen for him. To allow him into my dreams, into my relaionship with my Mom. He is teaching me, i am learning, yet it's not the normal everyday learning. So i guess that makes me abnormal. What doesthat even mean.. hah. Who cares, all i know is that Jesus is speaking to me in a new way than ever before. Just as He would speak to me through his word and discovering things by Journaling, now it is through learning about the prophetic. What is that even?
It's funny being friends with prophetic people cause they just shoot off on you sometimes and it's so true, but its hilarious that it's true. The Lord allows me to think things like that are filled with Joy. The Lord loves us laughing with him and telling him funny stories, walking with him, smelling his flowers, walking over His bridges, He loves us giving those moments to him just as much as He loves the heavy crying, the crippledness of having things ripped away by God. There is JOY from the Lord. It's ok to be excited. It is ok to TAKE the blessings that He is giving us. He doens't give us blessing for us to just look at them. YEs be thankful and be content with just LOOKING, but He wants to GIVE you a gift, you had better take it.

Right now i feel like PEOPLE are telling me that i am gifted with Prophecy, but it terrifies me. HM, that is not right, That is from Satan. GOD speaking to me, how is that terrifying? GOd is love, and joy, and peace, and kindness.. How can i be afriad of those things? Jesus, do not let me afraid of the thigns i can see in my dreams. Protect me from the enemy, do not allow me to see thigns from the enemy. I love YOU JESUS. YOu are before all things and you hold them together. HOld me together Jesus, let me trust that you know what you are doing. Let me trust you. Let me get into your word and read more about the Prophets, more about YOU. Who you really are, what you look like, what i can make myself look like, modeled after you. Jesus, ths prayer is so messy. It's freaking all over the place. Not on track, i never am.

Dayna Alexandra Ford = messy.


Jesus, i love you. Keep speaking to me, I do not want to be afraid going to sleep at night. I have confidence in you, kepp me safe, i know you will. I pray that, guard me, protect me, i have authority in my bones. You are here with me, IN me, Satan has NO power over me, over US. Thank you Jesus for being here with me. I love you Jesus. amen.

Desire.

I try to satisfy myself by reading and searching all i can. It never works, i always want more and more. This desire i have,  is found only when my desire for what is of this world, is turned into a desire for the Lord. I will never be satified by what the world offers me. Only what the Lord offers me.

Celebration.

Wow. This past Sunday night we had Celebration. It was a nothing kind of day, i wasnt expecting anything huge or gigantic to happen there other than see a few friends i don't normally get to see. D-group was rather nice. I spent some time in Winan's before hand reading through the frist 7 chapters of Luke. Thats a lot for one sitting. So we are then off to celebration.

Celebration is a time where all of the Clusters of Norman Community Church meet together to have a nice, big worship service where we celebrate what hte Lord is doing and have a time of teaching. This month, Ken spoke about receiving the Holt Spirit. That was interesting because iknow that many people were wanting a teaching from the Lord and it was delivered. At the end of his sermon, Ken asked, "well if anyone wants to receive more of the Holy Spirit in their lives, you can coem down for prayer and receive." Imediately almost the entire church was down at the front worshipping and praying for eachother. There was a woman whose body became weak nd crippled by the Lord. She could not stop crying for the Joy of the Lord. I heard words spoken over people and began to pray and asked the Lord if i should maybe pray for some other people. Eventually i begin praying for my friend Emily. I then led her to Kate, her sister. A bit later i decide to go and also pray over Kate and Emily. It was really neat because just as i was walking over there, there was a man speaking to KAte. Telling her many true things about her. THings about her ministry and heart for small groups, her heart for pastoring and intercession. IT was incredible. After that i had the opportunity to pray over her and her sister and i just really felt good about it. The things from the Lord that came through me abut hteir sisterhood and the thigns that i felt for Kate were jsut really encouraging. THe Lord really came and spoke wonderfully to us. IT was beautiful.

A little after we were done feasting with the Lord. Kate and i got to meet Zack. The random guy who showed up from His Tribe (branch off bridgeway in edmond) and spoke the beautiful prohetic words taht Kate was longing to hear. SO we meet and then just like a little bit later He starts speaking to me. He says, " Hey, this might be a little bit weird, but whatever, i'll tell you anway... WEll i feel like you are gifted in the prophetic and that the Lord wants to speak to you through your dreams, and visions and things. And i feel like you are gifted in encouraging othes and lifting people up. All of these thigns after hearing you pray. As i look at you now, your eyes even are lighter. You look as if you are glowing a little bit."  I can;t remeber exactly what he said, but it was incredible. I can;t believe it. It was so great gettign to her those words from him. It is kind of a blur now all that he said to me, but it was amazing. i have beem prayng that the Lord would be speaking to ME, i was praying about AFrica that i wuld know whether or not ot go and instead He has opened me up to listening for myself yes, but now for others. It is kinf of strange, but its awesome. And looking t my last post, (Brett the Prophet) you can see that thisis just more affermation of the Lord speaking through others to me about hearing from Him. I want to hear more fomr the Lord and i want to spend more time sekaing His face and begining to know what the things are that he wants me to be interested in. My prophetic numbers or pennies is seeing the shape of the continent of Africa. Thanks to Brett again, and of COURSE Jesus... ha. But hte Lord is doing so much in my life it is incredible. Thanks Jesus. YOu are pretty cool. Thank you for your words and the things that you have shown me now and al that you plan on showing me later. 

aL

brett the prophet.

What a great day.

I made Kate's journal today. The majority of it. 

I worked on my project that isn't due til wed. really... which is nice.

I am tired now.

I loved not going to Hair School or any of my classes today.

I had a time of rest and creatin with the Lord.

It was really fun.

I miss my friends in Norman.

I can't wait to move there with my sister.

Those are my basic thoughts for today. Last night was a really great time though. I got to spend a littel time with my friend Brett. He is such nice guy, i met him jsut this semester about August or so. Met him in Tulsa, Ok, then eneded up being friends with him in NOrman, OK. Imagine that. (:

WEll, we got to talk just for a few min. last night about how he feels that i am a prophetic person. Dude, that blows my mind. I love that fact that he said that because he is a very prophetic person from what i hear around town, and from what he has spoken over me. So being told i am prophetic from a prophet is really encouraging and cool. I am hoping to hear from the Lord and get more of Him for other people. I know Jesus speaks to me personally, but i don't know for other people. I mean i talk to people often about their problems, but hmm. I know there can be more, and i want to be able to offer that to people when i can. I ask for more of the Lord, that He might speak to me truth in my life, but also truth in other people's lives. THat the Lord through me might bring them peace that they cannot find.

aL

alex is shell fishes.

So, i am sitting in PLaid, sitting. That is about it right now. I don't want to do my lame BIB. LIT homework because it is lame. OBVIOUSLY. not really, it's not that bad, but i wish i could get into it. THese next few weeks of schoola re going ot be killer i can already tell. I went through this after fall break... not wanting to do anythign but i have a bang load of crap to do all the time. I jsut ignore it. All i really want is some alone time. Just some time to play and draw a bit.

ON the other hand, The Lord is great. He has been blessing me with immense security. HE is telling me, " Alex. I know your desires. You don't have to keep telling me about them. I know what's up with your heart and you you are feeling. Stop talking to me about it ok. Shut UP!"

 Ok, ok God. I am goign to try and do my best at shutting up. YOu see, i am such a talker. Ask anyone, i can talk my life away, to anyone at that. I prefer a good listening ear, but also a responsive tongue.

School is amost out for the semester and it is so teasing me. It's hilarious. About the middle of hte semester i decided that i would be moving to NOrman, OKlahoma for the first time ever. IT is so weird, because now is the time where i am feeling like i am finally moving out. I already moved out of my parents house, yet i still run into my mom randomly across campus. I can jsut drive 15 min. back to yukon and kick it with ma and pa whenever i want. It's funny because i was expecting so much "newness" when i moved out, yet many things stayed the same as all the things i didn't imagine, changed.

 NOw i am looking for a ridiculous season of change in my moving. My sister and i looked at a house today. IT was a rush. Holy crap. My first house ever... My first time of paying rent... buying my own groceries.. what the heck. This will be the time of "newness" i thought i was going to be getting in August. Not that it's December,  i suppose "newness" is making its way to me. It freaks me out. I am trying to like it. I know i will love it when i get used to it.. but it's like starting all over... again.. it's lame.. but i guess it is what the Lord has for me.

SNU, i will miss you, but Norman, i will love you, unlike Bethany, OKlahoma.

so.. goodness about "newness"

hum. KAte Thompson. NOrman Community Church. Boyd and Brooks. I will love rolling that off my tongue. the simple corner of the back porch will help me to be filled with the sweetness of the Lord. Living with my sister. Being close to friends. hoping for more with the new friends the Lord has given me. Trusting the Lord is Good. Trusting that the Lord knows my desires. even when they are so many blocks away. THe Lord knows. He knows. sitting with friends who love me when i need them.

The Lord has delivered me out of my desert of the last 19 years of my life. It is a time of fruit. I can forget my past shitty friendships and look for the new blossoms that are bloming around me. THey are coming in pink and orange, red and beautiful. They are a gift from the Lord and it's quite nice.

I apologize for the clutter of this letter. It is all ovr the place, but that is how i am at times. All overthe place. Messy. And that's how i like it. I don't need order right now. Just chaos for the Lord. He is what i thirst for and hunger for. More you You Jesus, it's what i want and need. I can't pretend to imagine taht i know what you are goign ot be doing in the next few months, all i can pray for is jsut more of you and less of me. i love you. AMen.

aL

flaker.

      were    so afraid  tell me about yourself?

REALLY?

          not worthy?

Can     not trust me to       myself from you?

why is it     bad?

 

                           understand.

             miss         .

He is a listener.

Well it goes like this for today, and many days recently. Every time i see this certain person in my life, my heart and soul begins to ache. She is still my lover, i still love her, but it's so freaking hard at all times. SEriously, about 85% of the time i have to work at it. It's terrible. I feel my insides well up and i just want to scream and yell. I want to be honest and tell jan ann how i feel. I want to tell her how much i love her, then i want to scream at her and tell her how much she hurts me. I tried a little bit to avoid her today, but it didn't work. THe Lord had other plans for me apparently. When i was walking out the door with her i just though, Alex, just don't say anything. Just resist the temptation. Don't listen to the lies, don't let her tell you things that aren't true. They are lies from the enemy and they aren't true. It's not her talking, it's the enemy. He hates you, he wants to destroy you, don't give in. Even when it hurts the most.

I'm learning what it means to suffer for Christ. Jan Ann seems to tell me hurtful things, but i know they aren't from her, Satan is just using her. That terrifies me.  I hate him. i wish he would leave her alone and let her come to You Jesus. i miss her, i love her. Why has she been so hurtful lately? I feel like i don't deserve ALL the pain she brings upon me. I understand, ok, sometimes i mess up and i deserve to be treated the way i am, but most of the time it's nothing. NOTHING! She just flips out.

Today as we were driving from one place to another as we do on many sunday evenings, the same conversations break about. Alex, you are so selfish, you are the rudest person. All you do is criticize me all the time. I don't do anything for you. When i do something for you, you don't appreciate it, you just expect it. Of all these things, all i expect from her is the last, i just want her love, I want her to care about me the way i want her to.. I know it will never happen and it breaks my heart, i miss her and i love her. Why is she so far away? Why can't she see how she is treating me. I don't understand.

Actually, it's perfectly clear. She is receiving stupid lies from the Enemy. FREAKING LIES.

SO anyway, we are driving back to my home and she starts picking and picking, i don't know what to do. I don't want to retaliate. I hold in for a bit. The first 10 min. probably, then every word she utters is death in my ears I can;t take it any longer. No, i am not these things. I begin to break down and tears come from my eyes, little streams in a deep valley. I begin to pray. "Lord, take this away. i cannot handle these things. I cannot listen. THese are lies. I will not take this. Take it Jesus, take it away. "

My tears dry up, it's done. She stops talking.  I stopped listening. That was that. I cannot process these things. Then a second later, she puts her arm around my neck and pats. She puts her hand on my head through my hair and says, " I'm sorry i yelled at you, I'm sorry." Astonished i say, " Thank you, thank you. " 

Immediate prayer is the key. The enemy hates it when i pray. HE does such a great job at making me feel like shit and then Lord comes and takes all of it away. Apology from the least likely person in the world is sweetness form the Lord. This is just proof of My Jesus. My King. He is worthy of Praise. he is worthy of my cries for help. HE is quick to answer when i call. His love for me is bigger than i know. 

Change of pace.

I want my desire for a certain friend be turned into a desire for my Jesus. It is coming and it is certainly unexplainable. TOday i was asked about it and i was astonished about how I felt. Jesus is teaching me.. So much every day. It is the promise of life steeping in. Melting and blending, mixing and molding.

Winter Time.

MY very favorite time of the year is approaching. The Lord blesses me with cold weather and i love it very much. 

This fall has been quite an exception to all my other past falls in my 19 years. Where i have lived and grown up, i never had the pleasure of watching the leaves change colors and fall to the ground. At my home we had no rees, jsut little baby ones. It was sad.  THe Lord has given me a little gift of seeing the trees change and kicking around in the leaves this fall. I love the trees here on campus at snu and i was saddened today when i saw the grounds keepers with the leaf blowers blowing away all the beautiful golden leaves. But back to winter.

Winter. THe most beautiful time of year for me. I love winter first because it's cold, obviously. I love being able to bundle up and wear warm clothes with layers upon layers at all times. I love my coats and hats and gloves, and also scarves. The Lord blesses me with the cold air that blows across my face and whips me around and around. 

I have always longed to have friends to sit around the fire with and drink hot tea and coffee together. A really crazy friend once said, " Winter is only good when you have some one to spend it with. " I can't agree more, but i also have found joy in all my past winters that were slightly alone. THis winter i am looking forward to spending time with my best friends in Norman, OKlahoma. A blessed place that is filling my heart. Time spent together is more time of me growing closer to my friends, who help me to grow closer with my Lord Jesus. I can't wait for this coming winter to see what the Lord is going to do with me through relationships/ friendships. I love you Lord and i thank yo for my friends so much. The winter is always better when you have someone to share it with, and this winter i do.

     -thanks to my JEsus. Goodnight love.

aL

i WANT something clever here, but i can't think that way.

  The only way i can think is the way you created me think. I am sick of trying to know about this, hear about that. Watch this movie, hear this song. What the Heck. I don't freaking care. 

 THe enemy is trying to capture me with his lies today. from about 9:30 until about 10 min, ago he had me, a little. This weekend was marvelous. I danced it up with the girls friday night, went to the PASEO!,  went to Tulsa/Skiatook, then Norman. My three favorite places in OKlahoma.

 Just earlier today, i was speaking so joyously of how wonderful things are going for my life and how the Lord has been blessing me and i can't wait to sit and have coffee with you to tell you about it. I told one of my 3 best tyler friends about how i excited i was about this and that.

Went to cluster and form there things got a bit strange. THis whole week i have been dealing with this crap that i have dealt with al my life. I want to trust in the Lord that he has made a group of people for me. He has made me a best friend but i am in constant search of that all the time. My new closest friends have been great, then this week the devil has been deceiving me. so well.

  he likes to tell me that i mean nothing. that i am nothing to anyone and that i am worth nothing. no one thinks i am a big deal. i am nothing. you are worthless Alex.  No one really needs your friendship, that's why you don't have it. 

I let the enemy in and he kills me. My whole life there have been the whispers in my ears. I heard them before and believed them, but now i know the truth. JEsus loves me and thinks im GREAT!

HE has delivered me form my past and i have t believe it. It has happened, SATAN!!!! you are not welcome so get the heck away from me. 

MOM:

I love you. i don't understand.. this i also have been freed from.  

LEt me believe it JEsus.

what a day..

So definatley a strange day. In comp. today we spent the entire hour talking about marriage and how a board of people are coming to speak about it this friday. WHAT?

Then i went to hair school today, where i was working on a pregnant lady, one other lady was next to me...being pregnant too, there was a family with a like 4 month old hanging out, and it turns out as of today one of our students is prego also.. 3 weeks along.

Children is the result of marriage in my eyes.

OKay JEsus, what are you trying to tell me?

shalom.

That is what i would like.

Today has been a wonderful day. Woke up 10 Min. exactly before my 9:00 a.m. class this morning. Skipped chapel so i could get ready for the day, went to my 11:00 and chilled with my awesome professor for a bit, had a friend drive me to hair school. YEA! no walking to day in my black dress and heels.  After hair school i went and had an interview that went really well. I hope i can get the job, but it will of course take up a lot of time that i obviously do not have. ugh! Then i went to Panera with my momma and she bought me dinner and a few bagels for the week. how sweet. That was my day and it isn't over yet. Homework to do. Prayer at 9 is what is taking up my thoughts right now.

Early this week, the Lord showed me a vision. I very clear one at that. It's so cool that the Lord is allowing me to see things from him. It is all new to me and i love it very much.

I was praying and talking with the Lord about finding peace. Tonight i have the opportunity to spend time with a group of believers praying through scripture and spending time worshipping.

I can't say that i am super excited about this, but i could be. You see, the vision i had was held between me and another strong person in the faith who is very close to me. It was as though i was holding on to their hand with my arm stretched out away from me towards them and with my other arm i was reaching for the Lord. I was stretched up into the heavens with the clouds. It was very cool, and i feel like it was from the Lord. But what i do not know is this: Should i let go of the person i am holding on to? Do i keep  a hold of it or not? I am not totally sure, I am def. willing to let them go, but i'm still reaching out for God while holding onto their hand. What does it mean? ha. I don't know and really i am ok with that. It is still so cool to know that the Lord is speaking to me through visions. It's AWESOME!

So, good things.

Other things. 

Tonight.

Prayer.

I want to be there. i want to engage with the Lord without destraction. I want to find the Lord tonight and receive from him just as anyone else might. It would be great. But what is hard? I cannot bring it to words. 

For anyone who ever reads this, which is probably no one, i do hope your day goes well and know that Jesus the Risen One is the Light to anything in your life. He is the answer. Have a great day.

aL

smoke and music

What a strange day. 

Last night was by far the best night i have had in a long time. The Spirit of the sovereign Lord was upon me and it was quite clear. My first Saturday Night in history turned out to be a good one. THe Lord sent down his words like angels over me. The beautiful dialects spoken over me were incredible. I have been freed from darkness, just as it says in Isaiah 61:1-3. My past has been swept away from me and it no longer matters. THe Lord has forgotten my past and THe Lord is my Father who really cares about me. He loves me and i do not need the ones who i thought were to provide for me as i once did. It is not easy trusting the Lord in this, but i have to. I want to, and i need to. There was such goodness that came about. Satan has been rebuked over my life, as well as the 10 or so girls that were prayed over last night. The Enemy has no reign over us. Not anymore, or ever again.

The strangeness begins.

 After the Lord spoke such truth over me and over so many others, the Enemy loves to come in and steal the treats that Lord gives. He is jealous and wants the goodness from the Lord to turn to bitterness. In which my drunkenness from last night poured over into this morning, but it was not the drunkenness form the Lord i had received. It was the drunkenness from the enemy that had me filled with bitterness and anger from the previous night. See, after the Lord spoke truth over me, Satan spoke lies. He convinced me of anger and confusion, bitterness and sadness. THe enemy stole my joy and freedom in the Lord and replaced it with these things. I couldn't handle it and i knew how to. I was just upset. i was angry, bitter, sad, conflicted, frustrated. The fruits of the enemy you could call it. I knew it was being spoke over me and i tried to just be frustrated and be a little mad, but what i also knew and was thinking of is why alex? why are you letting the Enemy take you in this way? Are you going to seriously let Satan take the truth i just spoke over you and turn them into lies???

Why would you do that? You know you have authority over him. Claim it and mean it Alex. Claim it and don't just be mad about it....but i just ignored the Lord and woke up feeling like crap.

Morning.

I wake up ridiculously early today for the choir junk i had to take care of (which turned out to be awesome.) I felt more tired than i ever have in my entire life i think. I had to get up. It's a grade. so instead of hemming my dress for choir i just cut the bottom of it off... (lame sauce and so unlike me.) i still felt as heavy this morning as i had hoped to leak it off in my sleep. I am glad i did not have bad dreams last night...but my dreams are protected so...thanks Jesus... but i woke up this morning and could barley move. i slept through the ride to the church. we sang and went and sat on the pews to wait for the other choirs sing and i fell asleep immediately. i have never slept in church before and i don't remember a thing. I layed my face on my hand and was out. Why? i have no idea, the enemy was using my tiredness for me to miss out on the worship i could have.. but i slept on. It was the weirdest sleep i have ever had. not fulfilling,  i just needed it. like an addict needs his drug. and i had it. I finally got to take a nap, but then woke up with a headache... still unsatisfied. 

Recovery.

Finally i realize as i wake up im totally hungover. not from alcohol, or the Lord but from the enemy and said nope. You can't do this to me anymore. Sorry, go away. and It was gone. i am still very tired right now, but i have authority and i feel better. no more fruits of the enemy, but truth from the Lord. The has spoken truth over me and i will not be held back. I will not be held back from anything. I am starting to ask the Lord to change my heart. It scares me, but i think it is what i want.

Thanks for your goodness Jesus, and your truth that has been spoken over me. I love you. Amen.

aL

Oh goodness.

WEll, Jesus, i want to have more of you. I want to be in the place where i am not thinking of just one person. But my thoughts and dreams, wishes, and hopes, all my conversations will be about you. Jesus, i need more conversation with you. I need to find you. Lord tonight was an exceptional night. I was so blessed that I was able to spend time with friends who care about me. Friends who are interested in the things that i am.  The friends i trust to not freak out when we start smoking hookah (ha ha ha) what a funny thing. I learned so much tonight.

Tonight the Lord showed me relationships. He showed me that every person at the table tonight i actually cared about getting to know them more, and not just that one special friend sitting in your lap holding your hand, but it was like 3 people. gosh. Never in my life have i had a table of friends who i loved all so much. Maybe one person at a time, possibly two but never more than that. God has been blessing me with friendships.  A friend told me that my past friendships cannot be poison me anymore, or all my future friendships will be poisoned. So, i prayed and the Lord has been blessing me since then. Not just blessing, but blessing in abundance, holy crap.

Thanks JEsus. Please help me to seek you more and that be my desire and not the things that seem to be consuming my mind. Take those away and let me be filled with you. thank you jesus.

              amen.

uncle mike.

What a terrible person i am. Tonight i had the opportunity to hang out with someone in need and i a was hesitant. I was nervous. I was judgemental. I was wrong. It was like a homeless person throwing himself at me saying, hey i can take you home. My girl friend has a car. It is funny cause i think that the place i am in is so much higher than him. What is really funny is that i am the carless person and this woman who is "scum" actually is better than myself. Jesus. This is so crazy to me. I have am trying to have a heart for the homeless and the poor, the addicted and abused. It hasn't come really yet. Tonight was the perfect example. My uncle who is an alcoholic and what i can tell is a little off is the one who offered me a ride to take me home. i was so nervous and scared. HE was offering and i was nervous that he was going to do something crazy. He is good enough for my dad. They are friends, I am trying to love people like him and not be scared of them. What an opportunity. I was a bit nervous getting in the car tonight, then i ended up having a normal conversation with my uncle. Not an alcoholic. The Lord is teaching me in real ways. what a freaking crazy night.

Love you.

 Hey, just want you to know that i love you so much girl! I am praying for and i am happy i know you and have been able to be around you. I also am excited about story time with you. LOVES LOVES.

                                                                         aL

SWells.

Hallelujah to my holy King. What a wonderful time i just had with Jesus. This place here in Bethany, Oklahoma is a sacred place. The Lord has promised life for me in this season and it has come today. 

How terrible i thought i felt this afternoon, i did not go to class and slept through this afternoon. After lunch i went back to my room and reminisced on my past and felt very sad and weak. A little later i brought myself to call a friend. No answer.

A little later that friend called back just as the sadness was becoming overwhelming. Then i was able to talk and share my heart with this person. Just as i was struggling so was my friend. We shared our stories and gave encouragement. Lifting up a brother or sister is a gift from the Lord. He has blessed us with conversation.  In closing, we prayed and went our separate ways.

I then proceeded to dinner, had some pizza (yuck) and conversation. After this i went to Tanner's apt., went to Pop's and then to Broadhurst to hang out with some other friends. The enemy keeps trying to tell me that i don't have friends here.  That i don't have anything to do or anyone to hang out with. Jesus please help me to look to you for the people you desire me to get to know more. The one's who are to be close to my heart. Reveal them to me, Let there be more than surface here in this place. I know there is more, YOU have promised me more. Let me find it Jesus. Let me find these people in you.

God thanks for being so cool and letting me find you tonight in the prayer chapel. What a sacred place you have brought me to. Thank you for the kisses you have bestowed upon me. Thank you Lord. The Prayer chapel and I will be having future dates and I know that you will be meeting with us there. Thanks for such an incredibly amazing night. Amen.

More seasons of life.

OH satan, you are trying so hard to distract me. I will not let you win. Be afraid of me because i have Jesus and he has promised me seasons of  life, and the season for that is this one. SO get away, i will not let you bring me down.

The craziness of my life is starting to set in. Hair school is going to take till next November at the rate I'm going in, I would like to know what I am supposed to do for next year, I don't have a car and this is causing problems with my parents. Jesus this is the life that you have chosen for me right now. THe thing is i am in love with this. The enemy will not let me not love this season. SO here it is Jesus. I give this to you, take it and have fun with me. aMen.

Seasons of Life.

Lord Jesus, today has been a weird day, i feel like it has been terrible, but i know that compared to other people it's nothing. Lord, you have spoken seasons of life over me. This season for me is here at SNU. Living on campus is great. You have given me a wonderful roommate. She is so nice, nothing to complain about. Lord, i feel like when i first got here to SNU i met all of these really great people. I met fun new friends and felt like i was really going to love it a lot here. It's not bad, I'm not saying it's terrible, but JEsus, i don't feel like i have met anyone who i really can get along with. Lord you have put me in this place. Today i was doing homework with a friend in the art building. It was nice having someone to talk to and listen to music with. Jesus i just want more than that though. GOd no one here wants to really talk about you. No one at this "christian" college is interested in going deeper. Maybe that isn't true. Its probably is not. I just have not met these people yet. God i ask that you would lead me to these people. Jesus, i want to grow closer with you. Today the enemy was whispering secrets to me. He was telling me that i am not going to find anyone to talk to about you. I am not going to find someone who i can talk with about you and about the things in my life that really matter. I was getting down and sad. Then i remembered the seasons of life you promised me a month or so ago. I remembered that you want good things for me. You are not hiding your life from me, you want me to follow you Lord. I felt a little better after that but was still a little frustrated. I need JEsus to take this away from me. This sadness that is overwhelming me. It musters up inside and tries to swallow me. MAke me sad, make me frail, make me weak, make me cry. I will not let down. i will keep fighting for you my JEsus, I need your arms to wrap around me and show me your life. Show me the fruit and goodness that you are bearing in my life. Jesus i feel like you have taken much of the goodness that was coming into this season. Lord why? What can i do to keep the fruit coming in. THe fruit needed to be pruned so i may bear more fruit. That is why alex. I needed a pruning. Lord help me now to just look for you. PLease help me to find you in the dark places. Jesus as I'm looking, let me find you, Hold my hand, guide me through, wrap your arms around me. Hold me in your hand like a child. Father as i was doubting tonight you showed me the life you promised me. FAther, Les. Tonight she needed me. She actually needed something from you that has been hiding inside of me. Lord, a girl who had been crying and needing you. Jesus the enemy has told her that she is too busy, Father i ask that you would provide for her, Help her to find peace tonight, Thank you for putting her on my floor and allowing me to pray with her and help her to find peace. It is from you and you alone that life is coming from, it is not from me. All i can do is think about how miserable i am right now, which im not. i jsut think i am kind of in this and that area. Lord, please take me as your own, give me peace and help me to love the campus at snu. Help me to look for those in need of you, GOd send me out, Let me be a leader and serve you the way you long to be served. I love you JEsus, THank you for tonight and all that you are. aMen.

sure.

" If you want it come and get it. "

 If only it were that easy.

YEAH!!!!!!

Halleluia! All the procedures are over with. Recovery is standing in my door! Today was probably one of my funniest days alive. After having a few doses of anesthesia my day swept away rather quickly. All i remember is them telling me to go to sleep and they would talk to me when i wake up... Nope. Don't remember anything until i was at home in my bed. This is definitely a strange feeling. Especially since i cant remember putting my clothes on. I have a few memories from the drive home. i remember feeling like," Wow are we already on our way home? Did we finish already?" Then a little longer on the drive, i asked my dad, "Did you get my clothes?" He said, "Yes Alex, you are wearing them." HAHAHa. That's funny. Eventually i got home and into my bed, where i received a lot of text messages that were extremely hard to reply to. I was so tired, all i could do was sleep. Eventually i woke up and ate some food. It has almost been 2 days since i had eaten...Starvation.  Then i tried to watch this movie with a friend, but fell asleep basically. ha. What i funny day. Good, so good. A friend also text me yesterday asking questions about today's procedures and it real was nice. Thanks to everyone who was in prayer for me today. I know that Lord blessed me today and im blessed by all of you. Goodnight to all. And to those who love Jesus, isn't greattt!! Amen

colon and her oscopy

Today started out with me knowing that at 2:00 this afternoon i would get to start drinking a gallon of water with 248 grams of laxatives. That is a lot of water if i say so myself. It has not been as terrible as i thought it would be, but i only threw up once, so far. In the morning about 7:30 i get to start drinking this other yummy substance. i sure cant wait. ughhghhghgh.

Anyway, i had some time with Jesus this morning and it was good. i needed some help from a friend to really make me understand my time with Jesus today. I had a time this morning asking questions and word vomitting on Jesus today. it was quite terrible. I know that the Lord has great plans for me, but i have so many questions. why can i not be content with what the Lord has given me for today? Jesus i need you. Please comfort me,

Today

Today was quite an interesting day for me. I thought that today was the start of the terribleness of getting a colonoscopy. Ughhh... But i then learned that really i skipped clas this morning and what will be tomorrow as well. i could go to class, but am choosing not to really. i went this evening to buy my fun medication that is going to have me pooping my brains out for about 24 hours. It was quite difficult paying money for things that i know are going to make me miserable. for real. its going to suck. i have to drink a gallon of water with this laxative hidden not so deep inside. then later i get to drink the magnesium business that apparently lemon flavored and terrible. i cant freaking wait. One hting i am a little worried about is being at home all day alone. sometimes i really enjoy spending time alone, but its always nice for someone to be close and laying in your bed with you when you are sick. i pray that i will be able to be ok tomorrow.

Today has been a little rough. i miss a certain person today. He was going to be a good friend to count on coming to spend time with me this week while im sick. now i know for sure he wont be anywhere near. oh well. im tired. night.

nothing.

Today has been good. i wonder how the Refuge went this morning. Good i hope. wish i could have been there a lot. well now im about to go see my friend tyler d. who has been at tech school for a few weeks now. I can't wait. After that its camping with tyler k. and family. how funny that 3 of my closest friends are named tyler. i will maybe  have a kid named that some day. maybe if i have children. anyway, camping with t.kauk and family will be fun. ha. then its off to norman for a haircut and cluster. sweet. i cant wait for JEsus on sunday. although He is here now, sunday will be with others. have a good day everyone. aL

Friday Night Parties with Myself.

Hello. What a fabulous day it has been today. I slept in a little bit and woke up like 10 minutes before class. Threw on a hat and my glasses and was off. I went to design class first and that was alright. It was the final critique today and all 4 of my designs did not really get talked about. That was a little lame for me. I wanted mine to stand out a little bit. I really want to be good at these things, but I am just okay i guess. Bummer, oh well. Went back to my room for a nap, went to Comp. then did a hair cut. Cool. It  was nice to have the day off form hair school. Mondays and fridays off are nice really. Went to Blue 7 to pay and pick up some t-shirts for the design contest i am doing there. I really hope that goes well. it would be so cool if i could win. goodness. Really. Its cool.

After all that my mom and i got to hang out for a little while.

Mom is cool sometimes. Its really funny though. She is my little kid mom. She likes to buy things all the time. Today was better than normal though. Usually if we go shopping its hard for me to just sit back and let her buy things, but today was alright i guess. I just tried to keep my opinions about spending lots of money to myself. SO today, shopping was fun, plus i got 3 pairs of shoes out of the deal. ha. i dont need them at all. im so ridiculous.

Ok, so a cool part of the day.

LUNCH.

Today was pretty cool because i was talking with a few people about the Refuge. The Refuge is a building where Jesus people hang out and spend time with those in need. Sadly, i have not been able to go yet, but i am hoping to go some day when the Lord provides a way for me. I was talking to Matt and this girl, im not sure of her name, but telling matt that soon there is going to be some information about the REfuge coming soon and that i would let him know about it as soon as i did. 

Lunch was also cool because i got to share with my friend chris about some missions. In  the last 4 days more doors for missions have opened up than in like the last 4 months. i have been praying the God will reveal his heart for me about this coming summer. I stayed home this summer and i cannot wait to go and share the Love of Jesus in africa. i am really wanting to go there...the possibilities are coming into view now. its great. BUT, i got to talk to day with a friend at lunch about his summer in europe backpacking and also about my previous trips. He is hopinh to go to the Zambia for 3 weeks, Cool. ill be praying for him i hope.

AFTER LUNCH.

Blake text me and was like hey, we are meeting at the refuge tomorrow at 10, i know you cant go but i thought i would let you know. tell your friends. hahahaha. Jesus has the coolest timing ever.

All in all it was a good day. i hope no one judges me for my terrible spelling and typing. this is supposed to be what i want. and thats it. so here it is. aL

entering real life

Wow. So here is my first blog ever i believe. The reason for this is that i found a really good song today and it made me want to write i suppose. A new friend also told me that i need to come into the 21st century and not think that a computer is just big pieces is plastic and metal. so i guess i'm trying to become better at that and make my life online now. i still think it doesn't really matter because my favorite thing in the world is conversation. It is also a word i like to write, along with beautiful.

I suppose a "blog" is supposed to be all deep and what not. i think that thoughts are deep enough, why do they have to be put into words, why aren't thoughts enough sometimes. but words aren't enough at other times. nothing is enough is how we people think. 

Lately words have actually been enough for me. It's crazy the last few days of my life. I miss a new friend a lot, but i am praying for him right now. He is in such need. i pray he may be content in this season and not ask for more.